Paul Carr's China Diary

In Xi'an.

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 17:25:32 GMT

I'm in Xi'an now for a quick getaway break from Beijing. Too quick. Not enough time to get to see all the famous places here. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I'm up and away to see the terracotta warriors. I'll put the photos up here as soon as possible. I came to Xi'an last night, arriving at Xian ying airport, I think it's called and then taking a bus into the city. The airport is 45 kilometers away. I'm staying in a nice hostel called the Shuyuan hostel right beside the Xi'an South gate.

Early this afternoon, I took a bike ride on the Xi'an wall. Then, I went to the Forest of Steles museum. I saw the Nestorian stele there which proves that Nestorian Christianity had arrived in China during Tang dynasty times. Later, apparently, the Tang dynasty outlawed Christianity and other creeds too and the fact that Christianity had arrived in China as early as the 7th century AD was lost because the stele was buried. Later, I think during the Ming dynasty times, the stele was recovered and/or re-discovered and put on display. Well, I guess, for me, it was just like any other of the 2,000 plus steles there, a stone with incomprehensible Chinese script on it. But, anyway, it was worth visiting.

After that, I dashed over to Little Lamb Tower, oh, I forged the name of the damn thing. Little Goat Tower? hmmm... Hm, What was it called? In Chinese pinyin, I think it's called "Xiao yan ta". Okay. I went there. Actually, it's a museum. I went inside, found the tower and climbed to the top from the inside. Cool. Then, I wondered around a bit and I saw a Museum and so I went in there. There, I was waylaid by these a**hholes who took me, like forced me!!, into this multimedia room to watch this video of the history of the "xiao yan ta" I wasn't interested but I had to cough up 10 rmb. I left after one minute of intense boredom and quickly went into the museum and had a quick look at some of the artifacts there on the first floor. Actually, I was in a hurry because I wanted to rush over to the "Da Yan Ta" in another part of Southern Xi'an. I left "Xiao Yan Ta" by the north gate and I was hoping to catch a f**king taxi but no f**king taxi would stop for me. :-( What the f**k??!! In Beijing, first thing in the morning, when I go work from Dongzhimen, I can get a taxi in 30 seconds on average. Here in Xi'an, virtually f**king impossible!!. Well, it was like nearly 5 o'clock and I was told later that the taxi drivers were "changing shifts" whatever the f**k that means. Anyway, after 10 minutes, it began to dawn on me I was wasting my time thumbing for a lift and waving my hand like an a**ehole. Oh, in fact, in f**king fact, there was an empty taxi, a guy got out and I dashed over but the lady driver inside waved me away, like what was she thinking? Go away westerner!! We don't like your spoiled kind here in pristine Xi'an. And, later, a guy also refused to take me when I told him I wanted to go to "Da Yan Ta". Oh, I remember what "yan" means. Goose!! Yes, Goose... Anyway, I walked back a bit and took a f**king bus, back to a point just near the Shuyuan hostel I'm staying and then, finally, after retiring to my hostel to fetch my backpack, I found the right bus to take me to "da Yan Ta" and, yes, I was f**king out of luck. The ticket office when I eventually found the f**king thing, was closed. Like, I walked around the wall surrounding the Big Goose Tower" the wrong way!! so I had walked a heft three quarters of the way around before I f**king found the entrance and I reckon it was just closing because people, wealthy westerners presumably, were coming out and the sign said that ticket office was open to 6 o'clock. I got there at about 5:55 I think and I saw no one at all in the ticket office. They skived off work early, damn it!!. Anyway, in consolation, at least I took a few photos of the tower and a picture of me and the tower together for posterity. I just hope I don't break my f**king camera in the meantime.

Anyway, after that part of my rushed trip, I took the bus back into town again. Another hefty walk, by the way, to the bus stop and the buses!! Oh my God!!! I'm trying hard not to take the Lord's word in vain.. Man, those buses are little and there are PACKED. The buses in Xi'an remind me of the buses in Harbin which I visited in January. Smallish, 10 year old plus buses maybe older than that but packed. I mean, the buses in Beijing are bigger and, on top of that, only half the people get on them in Beijing and they're packed!! But, the buses in Xi'an and Harbin are packeder. That's a new English word I have just christened into usage by the way. Try the Xi'an buses, people. I remember getting on one earlier today and I was surrounded by 6 or 7 youngsters, boys, and, well, I was thinking of my bum bag around my waste. I quickly readjusted it away from the boys. Man. My passport is in it....

Anyway.

So, I got back into the city and it was dark now. I went by the Bell Tower and the Drum Tower. I was thinking of going in, buying tickets for both for only 40rmb but I was anxious to check out the Muslim quarter and, boy, I wasn't disappointed. Amazing!!. Packed but lots of nice goodies. I ate some Muslim food there. What was the name of it? Yang rou... pao bo.. pao mo, or something. Basically, pieces of bread dripped in a soup containing lamb. It was nice. Then, I bought some souvenirs, a nice terracota warrior and a "sheng" or is it "xue qin" or is it "xun" because when I talked to different street venders today to ask about it, they each gave a different name for it. But, it seems to me to be a nice symbol of Xi'an. Apparently, this musical instrument was found in the nearly Neolithic site. what's it called? Hmmm. Nearby Xi'an. The site is like 6000 years old or something maybe more, predating Chinese civilisation. Pao bo? Hm. Anyway.

I tried to find the Great Mosque as well but, at first, it was damn difficult to find but, finally, I found it. And, it was closed of course, and the wall was so high that I couldn't even see it from the outside. Anyway, tomorrow morning, as stated, I'm going to go to the tomb of Shi Huang Qin, what's his name. Qin Shi Huang. yeah and then on to "bing ma yong", the terracotta warriors. I'm looking forward to it. Hopefully, by 12 o'clock I will be back in Xi'an city and I will check out the interior of the bell and drum towers and also check out the Great Mosque. I think it's got an interesting Chinese style, combining some middle eastern features. I'm looking forward to that. Xi'an of course is a historically fascinating city located at the end of the silk road of hostoric times and it has always had a large Muslim presense. My plan, at this minute, is then to take the taxi , an ordered one, back from Shuyuan hostel to the airport, Xianying airport at 4 o'clock tomorrow afternoon. I like to get to the airport nice and early to avoid any hiccups. Oh, that reminds of the near fucking disasters I had already getting to my flight in Beijing last night. It took so fucking long to get from my place of work in Haidian district to the airport. Again, no fucking taxi would stop for me. Finally, when I did get to the airport, whoa, I went to the wrong fucking airport, Terminal 3 instead of Terminal 2. I wanted to get to the airport with at least 2 hours to spare before my flight. That was what was recommended to me. In the end, it turned out to be only with 25 to 30 minutes to spare when I checked in, which, to my great relief, I was allowed to do. But, boy, I was fucking banging my head on the bus shuttle bus from Terminal 3 (that's the big one which I had mistakenly presumed was the right one to fly to Xi'an to Terminal 2 (the old main terminal before Terminal 3 opened). Fuck!!

Anyway, that's that. I have to say though, yeah, my trip to Xi'an is fucking rushed. But, it was worth it. :-). I'll do it again. Hmm, where next in the interior of China? Chengdu? Chongqing? Urumqi? Kashgar? Hey!! What about Lhasa? Hmm. I'm sure I will visit all these places in the course of time. I've been in China for, what is it, 2 years and 3 months or so, so, you know, I'll visit more places as time goes on. I'm glad I came to Xi'an these days because, you know, it has been on my to-do list since the start of the year, since after the spring festival and my extensive travelling I did at that time. I like travelling I guess. I can take photos, update my blog, combine the two. It's good. And, I love staying in hostels, like this one. People are nice. I'm blessed (except when a taxi doesn't stop for me).

Anyway, what else to write about [reviews what is written so far] Ah, nothing else really. I've had a good time and I'll upload the photos to the photo album as soon as possible.

Good night.

Paul

Why should I put up with S**t?

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 14:50:59 GMT

Why should I put up with s**t?

I placed an ad on thebeijinger. On it, my name is written. And, yet, so so many times, I get e-mail replies from women who write things like, "Hi," or Hi there" and so on. Why should I write back to such crap like that? Clearly, they didn't read my ad. They just scanned a whole host of ads on thebeijinger for msn addresses which they then add and then they are, like, looking for English language practice. They didn't read my f**king ad and what my particular preferences are.

I slightly amended my ad again this evening to make it clear, number 1, that my name is, indeed, Paul Carr. (not paulcarr1974) as one wrote, taking my name automatically from the thebeijinger messaging system. What's the point in trying to be interested in someone who isn't at all interested in you?

Anyway, awwww, the crap I put up with. Paul, you dig yourself into these holes, my boy!!. Stop flagellating yourself.

Tonight, I was tempted to write, "No Christians please" In fact, I did but, a minute later, I amended it. I come from a God-fearing background. My mother is very God-fearing. My sister was inducted into a God-fearing cult as a teenager. I'm affected too. Fear!!! What an inhibiting and life-denying emotion!!. The opposite of love!! of Love... What a pointless emotion Fear is!! This is one thing I like about China - by and large, they are free of Christiandom and other monotheistic religions. Great. But, I tell you, these Chinese "Christians". Oh, my God!!. You know, I have met a few on my date round this year and last year, let me tell you. They deliberately try to be as bad as (some) Christians back in the West. But, I doubt, they, with their Chinese background, in Communist China, have any idea of just how much fear Christianity, and the organised religion that goes with it, has put into the souls of ordinary Europeans and Americans as they have for centuries. If they knew, perhaps, they would have second thoughts about their own acquaintance with Christianity.

I'm not naming names. But, I believe a lot of them adopt Christianity and the language of Christianity as a substitute for their own repressed sexuality, something they like to rationalize away. What they ought to be doing is m*************ing.

[sighs]. I can't even be too serious on this blog service because, you know, msn spaces isn't a serious blog. I found that out to my cost last year over on my europeanpaulcarr msn blog when it was deleted twice.

You know, I have said this to Chinese "Christians" already. It's okay to like the West. Fair enough. But don't worship the West. Don't think that Christianity is superior to any thought system you have in place in China or, indeed, your own individual thoughts and conclusions. Be proud of China, I say to them. Be proud of your great country which put on a great Olympic Games and has now sent a man on a moonwalk in Earth's orbit. Go China!!

Paul Carr

Updated my Ad again...

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 04:12:53 GMT

I've changed my thebeijinger ad again. It now goes as follows:

*************************************************************

I'm a 34 year old single man living and working in Beijing. I was born on the 22nd of April, 1974. I live in Dongzhimen, in Beijing city. I am an English Language Teacher in Beijing. I think I'm about 174 cm tall . I'm from Ireland originally. I'm looking for a Chinese girlfriend in Beijing.

I've been in Beijing for over 25 months now as of the 3rd of October 2008 and I love it here. I would like to make a new life for myself here.

I'm a philosophical guy, I guess, with an interest in politics and world affairs as well as history. I try to do exercise every day, eat healthy food, lead a stress free lifestyle and, generally speaking, look after myself.

I guess I am looking for a woman who prizes honesty.

I keep blogs here (but I haven't updated them in a while. sorry about that):

http://worldpaulcarr.spaces.live.com/?mkt=en-us
http://europeanpaulcarr.spaces.live.com/?mkt=en-us

My msn messenger address is worldpaulcarr@hotmail.com
My e-mail is paulcarr1974@yahoo.ie
You can phone or text me at 13521715098.

Please send me your photo..

Thanks for reading this...

*******************************************

I'm just thinking that, hey, I'm looking for a girlfriend, not a friend, or friends. So, writing that I was seeking a friend or friends has a slight whiff of dishonesty about it. I'll probably won't get any responses but, hey, at least, I don't compromise my honesty in doing so.

Actually, I want to write about this annoying woman who phoned me about 5 or 6 weeks ago after she saw my ad about looking for a girlfriend on thebeijinger. She told me she was a doctor. She told me that she read my ad on thebeijinger. My phone number was on the ad. And, anyway, I asked her if she would send me her photo. She appeared reluctant to do so. I pointed out to her that it wasn't fair because she saw my photos on my ad and on the linked blogs if she cared to check them out.. And, then, she goes.... "If you're serious about looking for a girlfriend, we can meet up.". Hey, lady, I don't think you're serious about looking for a boyfriend. Hey, you think you're great because you're a doctor? At one stage, she chastises me because the lady I happened to be with when she phoned me asked me what her job was and I told her. The doctor overheard and said, "Please, don't tell anyone my job." In hindsight, I should have hung up the phone then.

In hindsight, I should have said, after she questioned my seriousness, something like, "Well, I don't think you're serious. You didn't read my ad. If you had read it you would have read that "at least one photo would be appreciated." And, then I would have hung up the phone. Instead, I put up with her shit. Oh well. Oh, so you're a doctor. What does that mean? Your integrity is beyond question? I don't think so. Our conversation kinda ended civilly. She told me that she would e-mail her photo to me... and she didn't. Actually, even if she did, I probably wouldn't have agreed to meet her and I probably have criticised her with a follow-up e-mail. She probably had sensed that and that's why she didn't reply. Gawd, what a b****h...:-D The annoying part of this conversation I had with her was the part when she had the nerve to say to me, "Please don't tell anyone my job." This was after I pointed out that she was being unfair because she had initially refused to send me her photo.

Anyway, the point I'm making here is: I'm looking for a girlfriend and I am serious!! And I am not letting this "doctor" or anyone else suggest to me that I'm not serious. (*)

Anyway, sorry for the incoherence.

Written Enough for now.

Paul

(*) Okay, let me try again. What I find annoying is the f**king nerve of this b***h, questioning my honesty, "if you are serious about looking for a girlfriend". I wrote the ad. I suggest, lady, that you revise your negative attitude about men.

Hi People...

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 05:44:56 GMT

While it saddens my heart to do so, I am now thinking of deleting my europeanpaulcarr.spaces.live.com blog and just keeping this one. Msn spaces did me no favours by deleting it TWICE last year. I feel it's been violated. I think I'll focus on this one and hope for the best. I haven't updated my blogs in a while. Been working my arse off in recent months. Been exploited, I think, by my present boss. But, anyhow.

I think I'm reasonable healthy and happy. In Shanghai at the minute, my parsimonious boss has allowed me a week holiday. He calls it "the long holiday". Gracious of him. Had to work Saturday and Sunday to get it though.

Anyway, I updated my ad on thebeijinger. I changed the title from "Looking for a girlfriend" to "Looking for friends".

Anyway, the ad goes as follows:

************************************************

[addition]I wrote previously that I was looking for a Chinese girlfriend but I have now decided to change the title and content a little bit because I don't want you all to think I'm too serious. I don't want to descend into too much schmaltzy sentimentality...[/addition]

I've been in Beijing for over 25 months now as of the 30th of Septmber 2008 and I love it here. I would like to make a new life for myself here.

I guess I am looking for a woman who prizes honesty.

I keep blogs here (but I haven't updated them in a while. sorry about that):

http://worldpaulcarr.spaces.live.com/?mkt=en-us
http://europeanpaulcarr.spaces.live.com/?mkt=en-us

My msn messenger address is worldpaulcarr@hotmail.com
My e-mail is paulcarr1974@yahoo.ie
You can phone or text me at 13521715098.

Please send me your photo..

Thanks for reading this...

********************************************************

Anyway, hope to hear from you... Thanks for reading this. In Shanghai now for a bit of a break. Actually, the only reason I have come here is to buy one of those nifty oriental pearl tower rotating thingmeagigs which you can turn a multicoloured light and it looks away cool at night thing.. I'll buy two just to be on the safe side. The first one I bought back in February was broken by this f**king technician who had come to my apartment to fix my lights. Well, he couldn't see and he bumped into it and smashed it to pieces. So, I had to bid goodbye to my oriental pearl tower thingmeagig. As soon as I get a new one, I'll upload a photo of it here to give you an idea of what I'm talking about and to give you an idea of scale. Man, it's great. But, maybe, as I'm in Shanghai, maybe, I should be going out to nightclubs and enjoying the nightlife. At 34, I'm still, you know.... Anyway...

My Chinese friend bought me a ticket yesterday evening to Shanghai from Beijing. We couldn't get any train tickets so we settled for a plane ticket instead. I went to the old hostel I stayed at before and, lo and behold, they had a room and I booked it for two nights. Halleluyah...

Anyhooo. Thanks for reading this. Why is that I haven't updated in a while? My life was so boring? Maybe. Maybe, it was the natural of what I was writing or the way I was writing. Previously, when I wrote, it was like I was just writing down a splurge of hate and prejudice and childish anger and temper-tantrum. It gets tiring, man. You know what I mean. Please people, if anyone knows what the f**k, I am talking about, please leave a comment. It would be great to find a kindred spirit!!.

Ah, a bit of a headache these past few days. I'm okay...

You know, I think I have a tendency to dwell too much on myself. I worry too much!!! I'm fine...

Stuff

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 03:29:41 GMT

I'm looking for my mummy... What's wrong with that? I'm far away in Asia, far away from my home country of Ireland. I'm looking for my Asian Mummy. To look after me....

Paul

More Reflections

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 02:53:49 GMT

You know with all this paranoia which I have written about in the past few posts, I get tired of it. I hope it's not true. But, I fear and believe that sometimes paranoia can and is indeed true. I can tell you that fear and paranoia is so so tiring, disabling.

That reminds me of a film I saw recently. K-Pax. One of the characters there, perhaps, kinda reminds me of me. It's Ernie in the film, played by the Actor, Saul Williams...

Here's a photo of him below with Prot, played by Kevin Spacey.

Ernie is, you know, completely afraid. Initially, he's afraid to go outside the psychriatric institute because he fears the germs. At night, he had difficulty sleeping. He had to have his hands tied because, I guess, he fears that he may try to accidentally strangle himself. It's terrible. How inhibiting and disabling fear is. Paul, don't live in fear.

Towards the end of the film, Ernie is miraculously cured. His friend, Howie, goes over to him one night and tied a rope around his neck and strangles him. Ernie is absolutely helpess and is powerless to resist, his front hands are tied after all the way he likes it when he's sleeping or trying to sleep. As soon as Ernie loses consciousness, his friend, Howie, rushs him over to the hospital where Ernie is revived.

The next morning, Doctor Mark Powell talks to Ernie. Ernie is so so happy. He feels free and liberated. Rather than be angry with Howie, he's grateful to him. Howie's action makes him realise that life is indeed a lottery, that one should enjoy each day as if it's your last. Be free as a bird. Don't be so scared. But, I guess, don't be reckless either. After this event, Ernie wants to enjoy life to the full... It's not confirmed in the film but it would appear that it was Prot who told Howie to do this as the second of his 3 tasks. But, that's not clear.

**********************************

Maybe what I'm going through life now is a challenge. I'm now living with a woman,first time in my adult life. It isn't easy, at 34, to change the old habits of the lifetime, living by myself, and, unbeknownst to myself, living within a prison of fear, afraid to step outside of it. Is that it? Maybe, maybe. I hope so. So, in that case, it's a question of facing my fears, stepping outside my comfort zone, and doing something, engaging in behaviour I have never done before....

Paul Carr

Another follow up.

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 02:10:17 GMT

I just re-read my previous post. More stuff to write. Okay, I wrote one thing innaccurately. I wrote that the woman staying in my apartment had contempt for her other 4 boyfriends (that she has had over the past 2 years). That's not true. She greatly respects one of them, a man of 49 years old. A rich married man in the city she lived in previously. She admires him. She told me that he probably has many girlfriends. When I first went to meet this young lady in her city, she told me that she visited him and he asked her to write text messages to his other girlfriends.(well, he seems to be honest then) She told me that, when he was sick, perhaps he needed a hospital operation, or perhaps, it was to do with his wife who may have been needing a cancerous lump removed from her breast(s), many of his girlfriends rang him to wish him well and his wife well.

My point is: at this time, it simply didn't occur to me that he may be "tainted", what I mean is, that he may have HIV/AIDS or hepatitis or some other venereal disease.(*) My Chinese friend is full of admiration for him and I guess the admiration rubbed off on me. I went to her city a few months ago and first met her and she told me about him. She told me about all her previous 4 boyfriends. I admired her honesty in relating her story to me, her sexual history. It's always interesting to hear that, I suppose.

But, afterwards, after we attempted sexual intercourse, after our vaginal fluids and semen were joined, then, after that, I had my doubts and the terror hit me like a tonne of bricks. I mean, a week or so ago, I read about the rich businessmen in Uganda who are incubators and spreaders of HIV/AIDS in Africa and that country in particular. They're rich, perhaps, to some extent, above the law and they're "sugardaddies" who have no problem finding young girls, many underage, to infect.. Is this ******* man, this man, this 49 year old man and possibly millionaire in *******,one of this kind? If so, does he know he had the virus? If he does, does he care? Now, I'm not saying that the Chinese friend in my apartment, has got whatever he had, or may have, but it's a possibility. [sighs]. I hate to dwell on fear. It's possible he passed on an infection such as HIV/AIDS to her and she, in turn, passed it on to me.

Hence, as said, it all hit me like a tonne of bricks. I didn't wear a fucking condom. I wrote about this before. I was just thinking at the time, I don't want to get the girl pregnant. (**) I don't want "mini-Pauls", "mini-Mes". She told me that she had just had her period and that it was okay to do it without a condom. And, she told me something like, in her Chinglish, "Men say feel good up hole no condom good feeling". Yeah, she is 20 something (***) [dick getting slightly aroused now]. Had to get me some of that. So it was spontaneous and, yeah, a little stupid. But, it's not her fault. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. So, yeah, I'm real concerned about this 49 year old businessman, a man, by the way, that my Chinese friend, in my apartment, has asked me already if I'd mind if she'd sleep with again (have straight-up sexual intercourse). They've had sexual intercourse, I think, a few times already and, to the best of my knowledge, using no condom. I said yes.

But, regarding our friendship. The sex has gone but she's still my apartment mate and my friend and I still want to help her and that does my heart good. I'm glad to have company and companionship.

Okay, next point.

I wrote previously about being "alone with my thoughts". This is something I am good at. You know I've been paranoid before. I've been struck by fear before to the point where it demotivates me. Just this year indeed. Earlier this year, I didn't like the job a dentist did on my front teeth and the fact he wasn't entirely transparent with me. He drilled off some of a perfectly good tooth, perfectly shaped and made it into an asymmetrical shape. Gawd, I was horrified when I discovered this (he didn't tell me what he did) (by looking at previous photos) and, well, I couldn't get it restored to my satisfaction. At the time, I couldn't have been arsed, for example,studying Chinese because I was so devastated. I was demotivated.

But, what if, what if, sometimes, even just once, my paranoid turns out to be correct? My present fears about HIV/AIDS for one or hepatitis. Jesus. I read somewhere that f**king 80 per cent of the Chinese people are exposed to Hepatitis and catch it at sometime in their lives... 80% And somewhere else, I read there are only 130 million Chinese with Hepatitis B, like 10 per cent of the population, but that ain't 80% either. Is it possible I'm just plain unfortunate?

Why is my present college letting me go? My boss in my English department says that it's because of a quarrel we had back in February. I was unhappy with the schedule I was given for the semester. [sighs]. Is that it? Or is it something else that they're not f**king telling me? Is it to do with the health check I undertook along with the other teachers of the school and college back in April, I recall. Something wrong there? My boss says no, I think. Because, he wasn't informed. He's only informed if there is a problem with any of his teachers. He got no information on me so it seems I'm okay. So, ... so.... [sighs]. Or, maybe, they're (maybe my department boss has been cut out of the loop and the decision was made by my boss's boss without informing my immediate boss) thinking that, better not tell me, because I've got to finish out my contract, finish testing my students in my department. I finish oral tests with them next Wednesday. This is unethical if it's the case. They have a responsibility to tell me. Yet, the woman in the Foreign Affairs Office, said to me that "it's my problem" if I don't go to her office to ask for her help before. On the other hand, she told me that it was perfectly normal for the school not to continue to employ someone after a contract is up for the next year. But, in my case, I had already written I wanted to stay another year for a miserly 500 rmb extra per month. Maybe, I was asking for too much.

You know, to some extent, though, they are right!!. If I were to see my test results before next Wednesday when I finally get the f**king tests out of the way, hurray!! What a pain in the butt!!, and I were to discover I have HIV or Hepatitis, I'd probably be in such despair that I coudn't possibly function and continue my work even if it were just for one day of testing students in oral English. Each student for 4 minutes. But over these 2 weeks, there are 250 or so of them!! Tough!!. So, my strategy is, frankly, to live in ignorance of this test result until next Wednesday or Thursday. Then, I get it. After I get the pain in the ass of finishing off my contract out of the way,finishing off my work. I like to finish my contract. Anyway, is that the strategy that the leadership of my college/school have in mind. Keep me in ignorance. Mislead me? I hope not. But, if not, what devastation!!! And, they would be wrong to do that. For a start, the Foreign Affairs Office has a responsibility to tell me *all* the results of the physical exam, including the blood tests, not to suppress or withhold any information. I hope that has not happened. But, what a f**king contemptuous attitude to have, if that were the case.

[sighs]. It is painful, writing this. Yeah, yesterday, I checked with another teacher in the school, a teacher, a black teacher who came to the school last year, did, indeed, have HIV probably and was dismissed, I guess during his probation period. Is that it?? Probation period? I'm not going through a probabion period so they can't fire me?? Is that it?? [sighs]. It is so so tiring to be afraid all the time. So so tiring. Bastards....

I'm looking forward to this f**king work being finished...

Paul Carr

(*) Gawd, if I am diagnosed with HIV, what next? No more sexual intercourse for the rest of my life? [sighs]. I'm tainted. Like a vampire. Forever tainted. Jesus. [sighs]. Well, if it is the case, I will endeavour to be honest. Surely, there is a life after HIV diagnosis.

(**) Also, I should point out at this time that she looks perfectly healthy. She's slim like many Chinese young women are.

(***). With a Chinese doll appearance. Like many Chinese young ladies. She actually looks about 15. Her face looks 15. What a ****!!! Phew!!!!. She'd make a great escort...... for a sugardaddy... and others.

Well, I think many men have this sexual fantasy of the young sexual trollop, sexually adventurous, taking the sexual initiative, having a carefree attitude, loving to see their catch moan and groan, teaching him a sex, physical and health lesson [masturbating while writing this], loving turning an erudite educated man into an ape or helpless groaning baby, love playing the superheroine/dominatrix. (****) And, I wrote about this on my blog at http://paulcarr.blogspot.com. What's wrong with writing about that? I think it's good to be honest.

(****)Nurse, mammy, milk mammy, you name it.

Follow up

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 12:09:05 GMT

I guess I'm trying to say something in my previous post.

Am I getting my comeuppance? I guess according to the strict precepts of Christianity, I have sinned. I have had sexual relations with a married woman. Furthermore, I went to visit her in her city. After we met, she wanted to meet me in Beijing. I could have told her that I wanted our friendship to be strictly platonic but I didn't. One could argue that I encouraged her to come to Beijing. I'm not sure that's strictly true though. She wanted out of her loveless marriage.(*) When I went to her city to see her.... can't remember what I was going to write right now. Just want to say this. Okay, when I first went to her city to see her, I thought she was separated from her husband. I thought she was living away from her husband in another house.(**) In fact, I thought she was divorced!! She wasn't. I erroneously thought since she wrote in such contemptuous terms about her "boyfriends", especially the one who is her husband, that she wouldn't be bothered living with them. I was wrong. I discovered in her city when I met her that, indeed, she was still living with her husband. And the reason... But, the poor woman can't afford to live alone. She has a 5 year old daughter to look after. So, she lives with her husband who she has no time for. And, it gets worse, he hits her...somewhat regularly perhaps. And that, my friends, got my blood boiling.

So, you see, I wanted to help her. Give her a refuge here in Beijing. But, only a few days ago, I learned she may be getting tired of her ..... in Beijing and, despite the fact, she is enrolled in a translation course here for which a rich "boyfriend" of sorts paid for, she may be aheading back to her original city. At least, we're still friends.

But, I'm scared about the HIV/Hepatitis thing, especially the HIV thing. Or is it really that? Is what you are going through, Paul, really a bereavement process of some sort. You're leaving a college you worked as as a teacher for 2 years and you're letting go and moving on (to greater and better things?). You're doing something, you're not apt to do before, leaving your comfort zone and casting out for new horizons. I think that's good. Face your fears. Go for change.

You thought you had that job under your belt for another year but your boss is thinking differently. So, go with the flow, Paul. Strike out on an adventure because life is an adventure.

Back to the woman I am staying with in my 2 bedroom apartment. I wanted to help her. I certainly didn't think of letting her stay in my apartment as "wife-stealing" or anything immoral, anything unChristian. I've been critical of Christianity since I was a teenager, engaging in active debates with my sister on the subject of tolerance. My sister back in those days in the 1980s joined the retreat movement (a Christian movement of sorts) and preached that those who weren't "born again" will be damned. I had to object to that. That means, does it, that those who don't follow your narrow precepts, are lost and damned. This is frightening and life-denying. Enjoying life is about tolerance and helping one another, not damning one another.

I wanted to help this woman/girl. And, yes, maybe, I was lonely too. I needed company, I needed companionship, I needed sex. And, hence, my previous post, where I am kicking myself about what I did. But, she didn't con me. I'm responsible for this. Paul Carr, you need to relax. She says she likes me. I'm happy about that. I've just remembered something else I want to write about. I don't want her to leave me.

I don't want her to go back to her city permanently again. I'll be alone. Alone with my thoughts, time cuts through you like a blade. I think that line was said by the Morgan Freeman character in the "Shawshank Redemption" Great movie. Great acting. What a actor he is. And, that, being alone with my thoughts, that, boy, is something I excel at. Being alone and being afraid and entertaining my worst fears and thoughts of despair. Dwelling on the "if onlys" If only I was pure, not infected with HIV/AIDS, if only the clock could be turned back to that pure and pristine time, of no grey hairs, of no receding hair, when I had a shot of being a respectable family guy, family guy leading man actor. And, no HIV/AIDS. Paul, you have been here time and time again. "Alone with your thoughts and fears", rendered immobile with despair, unable to write, unmotivated to think about things that you care for passionately, such as the state of the world today.

Pull yourself together, Paul. As that commenter said, that kind man said, "Be Strong". Be strong, my friend. You see, how I write this folks, I'm talking to myself in the third person. You see how this blog gives me strength. You see how this blog becomes my confidante, my best friend in a time of need. I write passionately, I want to write passionately. I don't want to "get my comeuppance" I want to help people. God, I want to help people.

And, yet, only HE can give the final verdict.

And, now, I am getting scared. What is God? A man, a woman? I think maybe a mathematical formula to which everything that matters derives back. My future is determined by timeless fate...

Don't be scared, Paul. Relax, breath easily and enjoy life!! Because life is there waiting for you to enjoy it. Don't kick yourself in the ass. You are in the hands of fate. You will never know the manner you will die. You will never know how the future will pan out. You will never know how you are going to die, how diseases and what diseases are going to strike you. Relax. Take it in your stride. And, yes, Paul, be honest!!. And, this woman/this girl, who stays with me in my apartment, I think, I believe, she is honest. Is my hunch wrong? And, if it is wrong, that must be due to my own failing and not hers.

Join the community of humanity Paul. Help others and they will gladly help you. (***)

Love makes the world go round, not vengence, not hate. The problem when you were a child was that there wasn't much communication in your family. And, in that void of a failure of family members to communicate with one another, a reductionist view of religion took hold, of a vengeful God, a spiteful God, who will smite you if you transgress or if you sin against him.

But, let me say this. Okay, as I understand it, I have committed adultery by letting this woman, who was living with her husband, stay with me in my apartment. But, tell me, how is that any worse than if she was living in a separate apartment, and already separated from her husband, her abusive husband I add... He was hitting her, beating her down, she hated his guts. Hell, I think it's in *his* interest that they're apart.

People become brutalized when *they hit*, as much as when *they are hit*. This, to me, is common sense.

But, you know, I look at the narrative of my life, at any rate, the narrative I like to think I have (or want to have), and I'm thinking, you know, it's all about progress, progress, progress. Any room for setbacks? Any room for HIV/AIDS? Any room for anything despairing like that. Paul, maybe, just maybe, you should brace yourself for some hits. That's life.

Paul Carr

(*) She's been living with me for a month or so now and she's still not sure if she's going to get a divorce. Maybe, it's too expensive for her.

(**) I guess I have this thing for married women, for divorced women, or women estranged from their husbands. Maybe, I think, erroneously, that they have more experience at sex. Nothing can be further from the truth, I'm now thinking about that in reflection. These unhappily married women, divorced women, are often sexually repressed. They're in loveless marriages with their husbands. Initially, there's sex but it dies out after some time, often turning sinisterly to violence (one Japanese women told me her husband was violent to her in bed trying to force himself upon her as if this is a way for a husband to show affection to his wife (perhaps, he thinks she is his property?)

I think many of these women have mental blocks about sex which makes them difficult sexual partners, not willing to open up their minds to fantasy roleplays, costumes and other frivolous naughtiness or perhaps some hardcore stuff and play... But, at first sight, one might think they are experienced. Not so, not so at all. Bitter in sex, yes, experienced, not so much.

(***) Don't fall back on hate. Don't accuse others for things you are solely yourself responsible for, Paul. Seize your fate, Paul. And, in the words of one woman I chatted with recently, enjoy each day as if it were your last.

Musings.. My Health.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 06:16:34 GMT

People are speculating on the dailykos why Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination....

Ah, shit, I'm too tired to talk about that now.

I'm going to talk about something I did what I think was monumentally stupid. I had sex with this woman, unprotected, without a condom. What the fuck was I thinking???!! She could have HIV/AIDS. (*) Indeed, I could have. Maybe, I'm being too tense and serious.

In the past few days, I have learned that my boss at my college in Beijing doesn't want me to stay in the college next year, from this September. What a fucking inconvenience!! The Olympic Games will be held in Beijing in the next few weeks and I think it's going to be damn fucking hard to find a job, a good job. I wanted to stay in my old job and I have to say I am so so shocked that I can't. I'm assuming my boss makes the decisions. Apparently, he doesn't want to employ me for another year because we had a quarrel a few months ago and I said to him, "Fuck you" in front of another teacher. He kept saying to me the other day, "You ought to reflect on what you have done.".(**) He insists that he doesn't dislike me but he appears to be saying I'm not a good enough teacher. Anyway, I didn't want to get into a tit-for-tat. I let it go. Maybe, it's a good thing I get out of that job. The following day, I asked my boss on the phone about the medical test results and he said that I was strong and that wasn't a problem so,hopefully, any problem there isn't the reason.

Could it be that my college is holding back the reason until I have finished my work for their college. They are cynically keeping me out of the loop/uninformed?. Was it my blood test (as a part of my overall medical test) a few weeks ago. All the teachers in the college were tested. Am I HIV positive, do I have Hepatitis B or C? Jesus.

Paul, you are always so fucking scared. Jesus. I think Paul you need to relax. [sighs]. I'm staying with a woman now in my apartment (she says in the second bedroom. But, I guess I have to concede we do, to some extent, "play around" . The same woman I mentioned above. I'm scared she may have something in her blood. She told me a few days ago she was going to have a blood test because, apparently,this thing is obligatory in Beijing these days. Then, last night, we talked and she said she was thinking of going back to her city of origin for good to see her daughter, leaving me. (she said she didn't like her present job working as a waitress making little money and she may try to find a more suitable job in Beijing before making a final decision to go back to her city of origin) She says she likes me. I told her, you know, I like her and I would miss her if she went back. [sighs]. I bet she's not going to do that blood test.

As of now, I don't know what the condition of my blood is. If my boss knows everything, then I was fine when the battery tests were done on me in April along with onthe other teachers in the college, both foreign and Chinese. Last week, I was hit with the stupidity of what I did. (***) I had unprotected sex, or, at least, atempted sexual intercourse, although my dick didn't get completely erect and ejaculate. [sighs]. And, my Chinese friend was saying to me, "me, boys say that it feel good to go up no condom. good feel, nice rub" in her Chinglish. (****) Jesus, Paul. Ultimately, you're responsible. So, right now, thinking of that, I am terrified.

HIV/AIDS. In the 1980s, the right wing, the Christian fundamentalists condemned this condition as an homosexual plague. They still do. They said and say that it was the result of a vengeful God having his vengence against these bad people who behaved in a more unnatural way than dogs in the street.(*****) [sighs]. Now, I am scared. And, Paul Carr, you/I am/are always scared.

I guess I'm just upset at the news that I can't stay at my college for another year (after working for 2 years there). I had a test done in April. Shouldn't the college/school have told me if there was something wrong, e.g. HIV, Hepatitis B/C. I work in a college. Most of the foreign teachers are in the college. I don't have much contact with them, except for one man who I meet on the bus some mornings on the way to work. He told me that the results, the dry, emotionless results, were placed on their desks (in the school, where he works,but not the college). Me, I got no results at all. I rang my boss, the day after he told me he didn't want to renew my contract. He said that no teachers in the college got the results in paper, unless there was something wrong with anyone in particular. This wasn't the case. So, he assured me I was strong and okay. (******) That, apparently, wasn't the reason I am being fired. [signs]. Now, I could go over to the Foreign Affairs Office and ask for the hard copy of these results. But, well, I'd be scared shitless to do that. HeHe.

Is it my sex blog? The Vengeful God cooked up by religious fundamentalists wants to give me my comeuppance?

I'm tired of being afraid all the time. (*******) As I get older, I hope to get scared less and less. I ought to be brave. [sighs].

Okay, so far, I think I'm okay. But, I'm worried. Maybe, my boss doesn't know the whole story. Maybe, he's been cut out of the decision making loop and the complete information loop. My college is a private college. My boss, the dean of my department, doesn't have the same power and prestige as a dean in a public college, funded by the Government, has. Is it possible that the lady in the foreign affairs office, got the results directly from the doctors and laborititian (correction: laboratorian) (looked it up in dictionary.com) and she rang my overall boss, my boss's boss to inform him of the results and these two bastards decided to annul any possible contract for the upcoming year. (without telling me or my boss the reason). How fucking cynical can one get if that is indeed the reason. Jesus. And, this is why I am so so scared now.

I think that woman in the Foreign Affairs Officer can be incredibly rude sometimes, strike that, she's rude. I was talking to her the other day on the phone. I rarely talk with her on the phone or otherwise. I asked her to ring Mr [deleted], my boss's boss, about working another year in my college which I wanted to do for an extra 500 rmb per month. At one point, she says to me, "That's your problem" when I pointed out to her that I hadn't talked with her in six months. I was trying to make the point to her that I rarely call her and, you know, I ask her to do a small favour for me every once in a while. It's not like I bother her too much. I don't think she picked up the meaning.

So, I'm scared shitless now of working in this college. I guess the best strategy I can think of is not to think about it, try not to worry about it. Are these bastards going to take me aside in two weeks time after I have done giving the final exams to my students and say, "hey, you're hiv positive." We're not employing you again next year. We're sorry." (********) Maybe, we can strike the "I'm sorry". This is how these bastards treat someone who has worked for them for 2 years? Fucking bastards. I'm going to hate working for them for the next two weeks.

I'll plod on. Fuck it.

Paul Carr

(*) On the fucking same day, I learned my boss didn't want to renew my contract next year. I learned this through the officer at the Foreign Affairs Office. My boss wasn't very forthcoming. He told me previously that, "whether you can stay another year, will depend on how hard you work in the final very weeks in this college". [sighs]. Don't trust me, eh... Anyway, on that same day, I read an article in the China Daily about these "sugar daddies" in Uganda who have HIV and pass their infections on to young underage girls. They pay them money or buy them presents. And, they know they have the disease. And, my Chinese friend, she lives in the other bedroom in my two bedroom apartment, has had sex with 4 men last year, I think, similar to me. I had kinda sex or imtimate contact with 3 other women. But, one of these men kinda reminded me of a "sugar daddy". My Chinese friend, my sex friend, told me that he had many girlfriends. And, to the best of my knowledge, they don't use condoms. He doesn't use them. Jesus!!. He is very rich,rather like a sugar daddy. And, that reminds me of my "sex blog" where I write about my sexual fantasies. Most of them are about, you know, kinda sugar daddy fantasies too, younger girls/women and older men. Jesus. Is it .......[sighs] And the Christian fundamentalists are always talking about...oh, what.... [sighs].

Jesus. Ah shit..

(**) As well as constantly pointing his finger at me. Jesus. Damn aggressive. He's difficult to work with but I guess I should try to work with him and close out this contract which I want to successfully complete. (*********)

(***) What a feeling of resignation and defeat that was. It was the same day I was told my boss didn't want me to continue to work in my college for another year. The same day I read that article in China Daily about "sugar daddies" giving gifts and money in exchange for sex with young (under-aged) girls and passing on their infection which they know they have, to them. I felt like shit. I felt defeated. Maybe, it was just the trauma of knowing I was losing my established job, a job I had hoped to keep, despite its low wage. I love my students there. And, I felt I got on reasonably well with most of the teachers. But, maybe, it's right that I should move on (to greater and better things?). Sighs. I hate to rock the boat too much.

Maybe, I'm the sort of guy who always wants to find something to worry about...

(****) I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Perhaps, I was thinking, you know, my priority was not to have any Little Pauls" any, "Little Me"s. She kept talking about how she had just finished her period so it was unlikely that she would be impregnated. But, ultimately, this was my fault, my choice. Paul. She had told you everything, Paul, about the 49 year old sugar daddy, the rich man, in her home town who had multiple girlfriends (**********). And, does he have something? something that he may have passed on to her? Jesus. Sometimes, to live in ignorance is comforting. Horrifying. But, my Chinese friend looks healthy enough. But, she's actually from the countryside where incidences of HIV infection are higher still. Maybe, I should be worried about Hepatitis B/C more than HIV? I read that 130 million Chinese ar infected with Hepatitis B, 30 million of whom are chronic sufferers. But, I read, that with HIV or Hepatitis, you may have these conditions and not know it, at least at the beginning. [sighs]. You know, the thing is. I actually had condoms in my apartment. I still didn't use them. Maybe, I was looking for natural spontaneous sex, the sort of sex I can write up on my sex blog, beautiful, momentary,momentous and........ fatal. As someone wrote, "Don't gamble with your life.".[sighs] (***********)

(*****) I have an uncle back in Ireland who actually said something like this. He said something like, "You see those dogs out there on the street. They behave better than homosexuals."

(******) He offered to have the written results sent to me. I declined. I figured at the time if he said I was fine because nobody told him that there were problems with me, what's the point of seeing the results. And, frankly, I'm too fucking terrified to see them. to se that fucking line. HIV positive? Yes? No? Tick box. (************)

(*******) This was a famous line said by Brook Hadlin in the film "The Shawshank Redemption" (1994).

(********) Gotta talk about this. I know little about what goes on in the school but I can tell you that last year there was this black American who started working in the school and, to the best of my knowledge,the school sent him back home because he failed some medical test, I can't remember what it was. I know that many schools/colleges/institutes in China are very reluctant to employ someone who has hepatitis

(*********). Closing out this contract may transpire to be like walking down the valley of tears.

(**********) I will say, in fairness though, my chinese friend, has told me that this 49 year old man is in good health.

(***********) I will say though that while more people in China have hepatitis than HIV. HIV terrifies the shit out of me even more. No cure. Can only be supressed. Only way to protect yourself from this disease is to use a condom and, if you didn't, at the critical time, the virus gets though via blood, vaginal fluid or semen. [sighs]. A death sentence? Maybe not. But, jesus, I don't want this.

(************). And, the woman in the foreign affairs office, looks at me quizzically and says, "Oh, what's the matter?' Whilst my lmbs go limp with horror and despair and hopelessness and tears well up in my eyes. I'm no longer the clean guy I was before. I only started making sexual contact with others last year when I was 33 years old. But, you know, if I want to have children, if I want to be a father, you know, I've got to make a start there now, haven't I. And, at 33/34 years old, I suggest you start making it your prerogative. My dad though didn't marry my mum until he was 35. Fuck it, I don't want that. I mean I don't want to read that slip of paper if I can. I'll just relax. Relax, Paul, take it easy... Chill, chill, you'll be fine. It, of course, could be worse and the woman in the foreign afairs office will say, "Oh, yeah, this is why we're not keeping your next year. We only keep alpha males in this college/school." And, then to add insult to injury, cap off with "I'm sorry." [sighs].

On a final note, One thing I can do is get the Hepatitis B vaccine. That will protect me from the most widespread form of Hepatitis in China. But, it won't protect me from Hepatitis C for which there is no cure or vaccine.

Domestic Violence

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 06:18:14 GMT

I've finally decided to write on this matter. I've written on it before. The last time I wrote about it, maybe 18 months ago?, my sister rang me and told me to remove her name. I obliged. But, I also told her I didn't want to talk to her again.

You know I don't want to go through life with latent anger over this or that, or anger with my deceased dad. My Dad had many good qualities. Unfortunately, when it came to domestic violence, he had a terrible quality. But, I think I should into the future come to forgive him for it.

I am now sharing my 2 bedroom apartment with a woman. Ordinarily, she stays in the second bedroom. And, she told me that her husband hits her and that she hates him. She tells me that he's lazy making only 600 rmb per month in ********* as a security guard. She has a child.

I don't know what I was thinking. I decided to take her into my apartment. She wanted out of her life in ********* and wants to make a fresh start in Beijing. Her child is being looked after by her husband's sister with whom she has a good relationship. Every 10 days or so, she goes back to ********* to meet briefly with her child.

I don't know if I'm helping her. She has a place to stay and I pay the rent. She's awfully busy at the minute, doing an English language translation course at the weekend and working split shifts most of the time she is not doing that at a local foreign restaurant. Her child is a 5 year old daughter.

I guess she's very pretty. But, now, and it's about a month since I let her into my apartment, I'm asking myself why did I do this? I guess, first and foremost, there was the issue of domestic violence. Her dumb husband used to hit her. Indeed, just 2 days before she moved into my apartment on a more permanent basis, her husband hit her. And, that, my friends, makes my blood boil.

How thick can one get? And his behaviour reminded me of my father's stupidity on this matter. He hit me. He hit my mother. I used to hear my mother's screams whilst I was in my bedroom as my father screamed at her to "shut up" and hit her, persumably because my mother was "bitching" about telling my Dad to get a job. He was on sickness benefit because he got suddenly ill (after an operation) after 1981 I think until his death in 1991. Maybe, it was both their fault. Maybe, they were both behaving stupidly. [sighs]. But, anyway, my dad hit my sister. My sister told me this. And, it was because I wrote about this before, about what my sister told me, she's 3 years older than me, that she rang me and asked me to remove her name from the entry and I duly did. My brother, I don't know. My younger brother, 15 months younger than me, I don't know. But, I reckon my Dad even hit him. Because I'm thinking, hitting people like that is a mental illness!!.

And,this young woman who has moved into my apartment in Beijing (@) also told me the same thing. It's a mental illness. My Dad erroneously thought and resolutely and sincerely believed until the day he died unfortunately that he had a right to hit his family members because he owned each and every one of us, his two sons, his daughter and his wife. What a neanderthal!!.

You know one reason I keep this blog is that it enables me to peer into my past and confront the sources of my anger. I should confront these sources and seek to mend them and by mending them I can come to forgive finally and resolutely those who have spouted those sources of resentment in the first place. Blogging can be a very powerful thing, a powerful weapon, a powerful means of liberation. I intend to wield it as such.

[sighs]. And, yes, I'd like to forgive my Dad whilst at the same time resolutely and unequivocably condemning all his acts of violence AND the flawed philosophy he leaned on to justify his acts of violence.

My Dad wasn't the best of communicators. I don't think communication was a good thing in our family. I certainly wasn't a good communicator at the time. Communication between family members was gruff, somewhat sulky. Of course, material circumstances didn't help. Our family's finances were difficult throughout the 1980s, (@@) after my Dad left his job, had an operation to remove a kidney, I understand in 1981, an emergency operation from which he apparently didn't fully recover. Although, my mother, who was a nurse, apparently thought he had recovered enough to get some sort of office job at any rate. And, in fairness to my Dad, he did try to get some work from time to time, including boring pedestrian office work. But, much of the time, between 1981 and 1991, he was out playing golf. He died in 1991.

And, I guess this is also the well spring of my politics. I'm left-of-centre in my politics. Kinda a rarity in the Republic of Ireland where I come from. Our famliy had difficult financial circumstances forced upon us in the 1980s. They weren't easy times for many families in the Republic of Ireland.(@@@) Unemployment was nearly 300,000 which was huge for a country of only 3.6 million or so at the time. Our family wasn't the only one who suffered. And the politicians from the two right wing political parties, Fine Gael and Fianna Fail (@@@@), who were in power, didn't seem to be doing much about it. Champagne politicians so-to-speak. Like Garret Fitzgerald, the leader of Fine Gael from 1982 to 1987 and Taoiseach of the Country during that time and Charlies Haughey, leader of Fianna Fail and leader (Taoiseach) of the country from 1987 to 1991. They were comfortable and middle class (@@@@@) and didn't know much about our hardships. Unfortunately, these two poltical parties, Fianna Fail and Fine Gael continue to dominate the political landscape today in the Republic of Ireland.

Labour, in theory a left-wing party, remains only the third largest. [sighs]. I'd like to see more government intervention to create more jobs, and a job that may have given my father more dignity and direction in the 1980s when he needed one, a long term reliable job.

But, I digress. Back to the issue of domestic violence. I want to also talk about another source of annoyance sometimes. My Aunt, my father's sister, his big sister, once went with us for a dinner I think a few months after my father died in November 1991. She told us that [gasp] my father "never lifted a finger against anyone". He would never hurt a bee or something like that. Oh, Aunty, you remember that wide-eyed doe-eyed cute and sweet little brother who you used to cuddle and play soft games with back in the 1930s and 1940s. Wonderful!. But, please don't be telling me about how I should remember my Dad or please don't tell me that a spade is a shovel or that right is wrong or wrong is right. I remember my Dad was violent to me and my mother. That wasn't a figment of my imagination. Yeah, Dad, had, in the words of my Chinese flatmate, a "mental illness" without a shadow of doubt where he thought it was a-okay to hit and beat and humiliate and treat like a piece of shit his family members.

So, temper is something I take very seriously and I hate to lose it myself. But, sometimes, I do. As I told a friend a few days ago, I should translate that anger, that temper into something positive, I should learn to harness it, constrict it and transform it into something positive, something creative. I must learn to be inspired. Inspiration is something you don't necessarily learn. It is something you create from the well spring of your imagination. I need to be inspired. Hence, I shouldn't call my blog paulcarrangermanagement.blogspot.com but rather I think I need to be free as a bird and lift off and take off and be happy. And, that is exactly is what I intend to do.

Nobody knows when they are going to die. It's time for me to face my fears and realise this. Life is a lottery. You can't control your fate. So, enjoy life and, as one person told me recently, live each day as if it is your last. HeHe. That was the woman who I wrote previously was annoying me.

Paul Carr

************ I have removed the city. I don't want to identify this lady. I'll just say she's very nice. And, I am impressed with her honesty with me.

(@) Perhaps, irrelevant information, but she's Chinese. I hope we can do a language exchange. She teach me Chinese and I teach her more English. Her English is at an intermediate level now. Quite good. I wish her all the best with the translation course she is doing but it's going to be a steep climb this year for her...

(@@) In contrast to the 1970s, when our finances were quite good and we had a large house. I have vague memories of it.

(@@@) And, it would be remiss of me not to point out that domestic violence was (and maybe still is) quite extensive in the Republic of Ireland. I recall the Republic of Ireland cited by Amnesty International on this issue back in the early 1990s. So, is there a culture of domestic violence. No doubt!! Certainly there was. In our schools, in the Republic of Ireland, we are taught about the heroism of people like Patrick Pearse who believed in blood sacrifice and who was the mastermind of the 1916 Easter uprising against British rule. A man who would only be photographed on one side apparently because he had a scar on the other side of his face. Really? Or perhaps it was just to add to his mystique. "Manly" sports like Gaelic football were promoted from the 1880s. But, the Republic of Ireland aren't too hot on more "feminine" sports such as gymnastics... Masculinity as well as religiosity (specifically Catholicism) were promoted in the Irish Free State after 1922 and the Republic of Ireland after 1937. Women were to be confined to the home as even outlined in our constitution in 1937. Read it, if you don't believe me. Of course when you have these state-sanctions laws and directives, it doesn't take a rocket-scientist to conclude that some men, including my father, will take the next step and conclude logically that they are the rightful owners of their wives and children.

(@@@@) Fianna Fail and Fine Gael are right wing political parties. Fianna Fail dates back to 1927 and Fine Gael to 1933 I think, arising out of the ashed of Cumann Na Gael. I'll have to check that spelling . That was the ruling political party in the Irish Free State in the 1920s. They were not divided on social issues, on issues of left and right like in many European democratic countries but rather on whether one supported the Treaty of 1922 or not, the Treaty that established the Irish Free State. Fianna Fail comprised those who opposed it. Fine Gael those who supported it. And even today, the Republic of Ireland, a politically stable state, on the edge of north western Europe, has these two political parties as the two largest. Labour, the, in theory socialist party, has historically, been a distant third. And, its strength confined mostly to Dublin, not rural Donegal, the backwater, I grew up in. Kinda like Steven Colbert's South Carolina. Yeah, the more I think about it, the worse it gets.

(@@@@@) Charlie Haughey's sexual escapades with Terry Keane in the Wicklow mountains come to mind. Yeah, here's a man who really cares about the hardships of ordinary people. Charlie Haughey passed away I think last year

More on that annoying woman.

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 06:17:10 GMT

I've got more to write about that annoying woman I wrote about previously. Oh, I can't get her scratch off me no matter how much I scratch. Okay, let me say this. She said to me, "You always complain." Bullshit. I don't always complain. I only complain when I have cause to complain. I guess I'm still going over the what-if scenarios. What if I had done this instead of that maybe we could still be friends or more. But, anyway, never mind. I've been stung my cruel women before.

Paul Carr

False Start. This is my new blog.

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 04:30:24 GMT

I decided to set up yet another new blog. Because the first blog had a profile from another blog, a sexy blog I have. So, I set up a new blogger account and set up a new blog. It's here. Thanks for visiting.

http://paulcarrmystory.blogspot.com

Paul Carr

New blog

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 03:55:25 GMT

Okay,I've set up a new blog at http://paulcarrmylife.blogspot.com

HeHe

Anyway, I had a blog called http://paulcarrangermanagement.blogspot.com

But,I think the title is too depressing!!. I'm more than just being angry sometimes. I've got to move beyond that. And realise that, Paul Carr, you truely are a wonderful human being. Stop strapping yourself down.

Next Annoying Woman

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 03:31:22 GMT

Next Annoying woman.

Sorry for writing about this. You know, I am seriously thinking now of making a fresh start with my blog. That is, a new one. My europeanpaulcarr msn blog was deleted TWICE last year. Bullshit. I am thinking of moving over to a more reliable service. At this point in time, maybe blogspot.

Anyway, I'm not going to go into too much detail on this woman. Just to say, she saw my ad on thebeijinger. And we chatted briefly over a period of 3 days. Before our last conversation ended, she said to me, "You always complain". I replied, "No, I don't. I'm just pointing out that in our last conversation you didn't answer my question, "How are you?" "What are you doing?".(*) Anyway, she then announced in bold letters that you didn't want to meet me or maybe something really immature like she never wanted to meet me ever and had no intention of meeting me ever. Okay, bitch, that being the case, why the fuck did you reply to my ad. After I have done writing this, I'm going to delete all her photos.(**)(***)
Must say though, I'll miss the photos. She's pretty. But, I'll be honest with you, the last few times I was chatting (read typing) with her on msn messenger, my dick went quickly limp. Which only goes to show you that great sex is all about having a great personality. My impression of her: Angry, angry, angry. She doesn't like me complaining about her. Okay, let's get this straight: She appears to be looking for a westerner who doesn't complain about her ever, that is, is too afraid to complain about her, a shrinking violet so to speak. Well good luck to her. I guess in hindsight I shouldn't have been so soothing and conciliatory towards her and, yeah, I should have said straight that, yeah, I was complaining about her. (****) I've met her kind before. They're horrible. But, they're difficult to detect in their horribleness until you get up close and then they strike, like some cunning snake. I've had this sting before. There I was, at the beginning,thinking she may be the girl of my dreams. Dream on, Paul...

Okay, in our last msn chat, she said she was organizing a group tour to the Great Wall but she didn't specifically invite me.(*****) I had enough and I told her that she didn't chat with me the previous night. And, then she got all cross and finally wrote in bold letters she didn't want to meet me ever (******)and, perhaps, I can't remember, I deleted the record, she said had no intention of meeting me at all. As I wrote to her previously, I felt she was playing too hard to get.

Perhaps, there is something for a woman who plays hard to get but playing *too* hard to get is something different entirely and I'm old enough, at 34, to know the difference. Planting these fucking tests which I have no fucking way in hell of passing so why not complain? She's looking for a shrinking violet who never ever complains but I'm not prepared to be treated like such a grovelling shit.

Okay, in hindsight, maybe, I could have handled our last msn chat differently. I could have said something like, "Oh, are you inviting me?".(*******) Perhaps, she would have said "yes" at that point. She certainly didn't invite me. oh, and the previous day she said she was angry with me so she didn't phone me like she promised because of an e-mail I had written her and she subsequently read pointing out a few things and, yeah, maybe, complaining about her. Eh, let me tell you something, if you are reading this, ever think about WHY you are single? Maybe, it's because of the angry facade.. I know it is.

Yeah, I could have played the dumb male, willing to be exploited and used like a puppy, if she's in a good mood, or a mongrel, if she's in a bad mood. But, I'm not interested in playing this game. I could have said something smart like, "Oh thank you for the invitation to the Great Wall for the hiking trip", (assuming she would have invited me if I had asked the follow up question, "ARe you inviting me?". "How about our meeting tomorrow and I can give you my answer then about going". "Truth is, I do some jogging twice or three times a week so I think I am reasonably fit, maybe in the top 50% of all the foreigner males in China". I must point out that this woman is something of a fitness expert, from what I can tell or imagine. Doing various sports, keeping, sighs, very fit. My kind of woman. :-D. But, anyway, I didn't do that. I pointed out, instead, that she didn't chat with me yesterday and, frankly, I felt a little rejected and humiliated about that. Have to say her written English isn't the best allowing for misunderstandings there. I can't communicate in Chinese as of now. Yeah, she's Chinese. But, she didn't care about that. She had enough of me. Complaining that I always complain and then telling me that she didn't want to meet me in bold letters. I had already told her seconds before that (I don't know if she had time to read it) we were racing to be the first to write the most indignant response. Anyway, I wrote that I had deleted her the previous night and that it was clear she wasn't interested in meeting me. She replied OK to that.

But, back to the general point, in my ad, I wrote that I was looking for a girlfriend and I wrote that a photo would be appreciated. And, so far, only 2 women have obliged with a photo. The lady I've just talked about above being one of them. Most of the Chinese don't bother giving you their picture. Annoying. I guess it boils down to this. If I am really really sincere about getting a girlfriend at this time, maybe, I should go to a paid dating site and pay for that service where there are really people looking for girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives/life-partners and they're serious. But, on a freely accessibly site like thebeijinger, I'd reckon 90% are looking just for sexless friends, language exchange partners or impersonal sex or one-night-stands even on the boy looking for girl section and the girl looking for boy section.

[sighs]. I made a few friends from placing the ad on thebeijinger. But, nothing more than that.

Okay, should I write back to this woman and get on my knees and say, "Boo Hoo, I'm sorry". I don't think so. I'm kicking myself that this went so so fucking far. Why didn't I push the eject button straight away as soon as it became clear that she wasn't interested in meeting me.(********) That would be her first e-mail back to me after I had invited her for dinner in Beijing. She gave a non-committal answer then saying we can chat on msn messenger. [sighs]. I really don't think there's any point writing more about this. What's done is done.

I love China and I have no intention whatsoever of going back to Ireland. But, there are things I'd like to write about on my blog but I'm just too lazy or too scared not to(*********) . Well, Paul Carr, you fucking ought to. You only have the one life. Live it.

Okay, that's all.

Paul

(*) I guess the point I'm trying to make her is very simple. Conversation is two ways. I answer her questions but she doesn't answer mine. That's not conversation. That's not communication.

(**) Hmm, maybe not, she's actually very pretty with a lovely smile and Sporty. [sighs]
(***) Another point I'd like to make here is: I wanted her to chat with me on the phone. She's Chinese and her written english comprehension not so good leading to many potential and actual misunderstandings if one were to write to each other via e-mail or msn messenger. Talking would be better. I have found, in my experience, that Chinese people are better at talking and listening than reading and writing English. Just a thought.
(****) Instead, I said I wasn't complaining. I said I was merely pointing out that she didn't reply to my question the previous day "How are you?" or "What are you doing?" I can't remember the exact details I deleted the chat record. Maybe, she was annoyed about this. You see, guys, I'm going over the "what-ifs" scenarios. Paul, this is ridiculous. Maybe, she was annoyed that I was announcing that I wasn't complaining when, in her eyes, I was. Oh..
(*****) I should say at this point that she appears to be a highly motivated and successful young woman. Helping with the Sichuan earthquake. And, here I am, Paul Carr, lying on your (stinking) ass here in Beijing doing fuck all apart from learning Chinese badly and jogging occasionally.
(******) She had told me she may meet me the next day if she wasn't busy that is. Okay, here's another thing, I'm wondering to myself. Am I intimidated by successful women? Is this why I have behaved like such a shit over the past few days? Is this why she is so so successful with her own bought apartment (apparently) if I heard correctly her great job and extensive interestsm which chime nicely into her career and jet-setting lifestyle. Ah,bullshit, according to her, I don't make the grade. Good luck, lady, in finding your successful foreigner stud. Probably a Yank from Texas and an athlete to boot. I never had a chance. Time to move on Paul. Just look at her photos, breath them in, her infinite beauty and weep. HeHe
(*******) Our communications got off to a bad start and I guess there were trust issues between the two of us. That's not good. I'm just looking for a woman who will give me a hug and a kiss and wipe away my tears and rock me in her lap and sooth me and cuddle me like a new born baby. Hard to come by. But, I reckon if I really want that kind of closeness, Paul, you have to learn to trust all the more. And, take the pain, if it doesn't work out. What I'm saying, Paul Carr, is that, actually, you're heading in the right direction so keep going in that direction regardless of how fucking strong the cross-winds are. Soldier on, Paul Carr, soldier on.
(********) I still haven't. HeHe. I deleted her on msn messenger but didn't bar her. Maybe, I'm hoping she's write bck for another bout. This is her cue to write back to me to say something like, "Hey, shit, I'm NEVER MEETING YOU EVER". "Can't you read?". "I'm a successful, vindictive,materially successful and spiritual successful woman, never interested in meeting a worm like you except to be my shit pot perhaps." "To which, I reply, Oh,thank you mistress." Jesus, I have to get out of this donkey shit of a blog called msn spaces. It's completely censored. Paul Carr, what the fuck are you thinking.
(*********) And to top it all off, msn spaces is prone to censorship as I found out last year. START A BLOGSPOT BLOG, PAUL CARR!! More secure. Even if it means that ordinarily chinese people won't be reading it because of the great firewall of China and the blogspot service is often a victim of it.

Horrible People

Fri, 30 May 2008 14:51:53 GMT

Well,I've updated my ad on thebeijinger again. You know,the one that says I am looking for a Chinese girlfriend. Here's how is goes now:

I'm a 34 year old single man living and working in Beijing. I was born on the 22nd of April, 1974. I live in Dongzhimen, in Beijing city. I am an English Language Teacher in a college near Beijing. I think I'm 174 cm tall on my bare feet. I'm from Ireland originally. I'm looking for a Chinese girlfriend in Beijing. I rent anapartment in Dongzhimen, in Beijing city.

I've been in Beijing for over 22 months now as of the 26th of June 2008 and I love it here. I want to make a new life for myself here. So, I'm looking for companionship and fun with a like-minded woman. Perhaps, we can have a language exchange. I'm a beginner in Chinese.

I am seeking an honest woman, a good communicator.

I'm a philosopical guy with an interest in politics and world affairs as well as history. I try to do exercise every day, eat healthy food, lead a stress free lifestyle and, generally speaking, look after myself.

I view life as a challenge.

I'm seek a reasonably fit woman who is independent(both emotionally and financially), creative, tolerant and open-minded.

I keep blogs here:

http://worldpaulcarr.spaces.live.com/?mkt=en-us
http://europeanpaulcarr.spaces.live.com/?mkt=en-us

My msn messenger address is worldpaulcarr@hotmail.com
My e-mail is paulcarr1974@yahoo.ie
You can phone or text me at 13521715098.

At least one photo would be appreciated...

Thanks for reading this...

So, I made some minor but nonetheless significant changes. But, that's not what I want to write about now. I want to write about the nasty Chinese people who add me to their msn friends list and don't even fucking read my ad. You know, sometimes, like yesterday, when I'm tired, I do sometimes let my guard down and it's then that you realize that these bitches really like to kick you in the balls when you're vulnerable.

Okay, let's focus here. I want to write about this bitch who added me yesterday. First of all, she says hello. I'm recalling this from memory by the way. I deleted all her records and barred her ass now (for ever). I ask her which ad she saw. A perfectly reasonable question because, in fact, I have two ads on thebeijinger. One, looking for a girlfriend and the other looking for a part time job. She appeared, as I recall, to be confused by this. I told her I wanted to make some money. She asked me why. I told her I needed to pay off some debt. I then asked her, as I recall, to introduce herself, but THE BITCH, continued to ask me questions about my finances. Now, I was tired and really, I shouldn't have put up with this shit. In hindsight, I should have said, "Hey, you answer my question and then I'll answer yours". But, I was lapsing back into Fredo (from the Godfather) style mister Sweety guy mode. I endeavoured to wrack my brains to answer the BITCH'S questions. She kept asking me questions about my finances and then finally I had enough. I inquired why she wasn't introducing herself. Then, the BITCH says this, or something like this, because, frankly, as said, I have now deleted all her crap to smithereens. "Oh, I have to see if I can trust you and that you don't lie.".

Really, I had enough. Look, BITCH, you read my ad, didn't you? Hey, let me answer that. The BITCH didn't!! She's one of many Chinese people who go to the beijinger ads and don't READ the ads.Just scavenge the ads for msn messenger addresses because they are lookin' for language exchange partners, not a boyfriend. And, my ad was for Looking for a girlfriend, a Chinese girlfriend, not a language exchange partner. Hell, I bet she didn't even read the title, "Looking for a Chinese girlfriend". And, then, she refused , well, ignored my question to introduce herself perhaps because the BITCH thought I hadn't introduced myself. You know, the BITCH, didn't read my ad. That was a fucking introduction. So, I speculate that, in her mind, I was being intrusive. So, anyway, I gave her a good salvo after that. I called her dishonest. I speculated that she was lookin' for a rich foreigner to fleece off. And, I told her, something I have known for sometime, many, if not the majority of the Chinese women, who ad me to their msn messenger friends' lists, don't even other to read my ad. (*) Well, that's too bad for them. And,yeah,in that ad, I do try to be honest. I also told the BITCH that hey, I'm not trying to impress her and that I'm have nothing to prove to her. Annoyingly, I think the BITCH barred me first before I had time to do it to her. I warned her I was going to do it though. Anyway, I did do it finally. But, oh, so fucking annoying.. Fucking hell. And she says to me, You're self-conscious, you're too self-conscious or something like that. I had to look up that word on dictionary.com to get an exact definition..

Oh. So,fucking annoying....

But, anyway. Paul Carr, don't let these BITCHES walk all over you and treat you like a shitty doormat, for fuck's sake. The least you should expect is for them to read your ad and, hey, maybe even click on the links to your blogs to learn more about you, this interesting human being called Paul Carr. Idiots.

What else to write.

[sighs] I was tired yesterday. I've been so so busy recently.

Paul Carr

(*) And, many of these disfunctional brats fucking deny it, claiming that they had read the ad. (**) Fucking horrible people!! Dishonest horrible people. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I shouldn't let my fucking guard down again.

(**) And,they hadn't fucking read it. Trust me on that one. Nasty fucking horrible people.

(***) The vast majority of Chinese people are kind hearted. I'monly talking about a small minority of idiotic women who are adding me to their msn messenger lists without reading my ad, and, oftentimes, claiming later to have read it. Fucking lying, cold faced lying. Usually, these idiotic girly girls are in the 20 to 25 year old age-range. On, and then they often say in self-defense, oh, my English is poor. Oh, boo-hoo. So, that's your excuse for trying to treat me like a shitty doormat. Just fucking grow up and get a life

Feeling on top of the World

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:37:22 GMT

I'm feelin' happy this evening. I dunno why. Last week I had a health scare. I went to the dentist last Monday. I was having my front teeth whitened and my left nostril will gettin' rather itchy. But, I didn't want to complain to the dentist about it. I didn't want her to think I was a pussy. . And, after that, I had this kinda upsetting burning smell in my left nostril. Lingered for a week. Was kinda worried about it. My dear mum, bless her soul, came to my rescue. Ringing me at the weekend, I told her my problem and my mum, a retired nurse, suggested I get some hot water, add salt, let the water cool and using some toilet paper, stick it up my nose and clean away any infection. Well, I did that. And, man, it did induce a FIT of sneezing and snort emissions whch we kinda freaky but, you know, I was glad of it at the time. Since then, things have gotten kinda better. So, now I'm happy.

What else to write about. Oh, it looks like Barack Obama, regardless of how well he does in Pennsylvania, is going to clinch the Democratic Party nomination for US President. That's great. So, back at the end of December when I made the prediction and Hillary Clinton would clinch the Democratic nomination and Mitt Romney would clinch the Republican nomination, I was wrong on both counts. Well done, Barack Obama, well done. Horray!!

What else to write about. bought a new mp3 player today because my old one isn't working right. I'm meaning to listen to some Chinese. Gotta learn Chinese!!

Paul

Update

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 16:04:00 GMT

I haven't updated in a while so here goes. Well, I got real lazy during the holliers, I mean the Spring festival holidays. I had 6 weeks off to lark around. I got very lazy. I ate a lot. Didn't exercise. And, then, WHAM, back to work. And, my first week back at my place of work, to cut a long story short, I had a blazing quarrel with my boss. To such an extent, that my throat dried as I, at one stage, shouted, "fuck you" at him. Oh, it's a long story. Basically, I didn't get the time table I wanted for teaching at his teaching department in the teaching establishment I teach in. In hindsight, I think I was just getting lazy and suddenly so shocked to find such a nasty timetable of work work work, you know. Getting up at 5:30 in the mornings. So much worse than getting up in the afternoons during my indolent Spring festival holidays.

Yup, I guess I should write here and now, not for the first time, that, you know, I do lose my temper sometimes. I lose my cool. Kinda McCain moments, you know.

Today, for instance, I received a phone call from this girl, this girrrrrrl, anyway, to cut a long story short, she wants to know if I can accept a lower pay offer because she read this in an ad I had placed on a website. Oh. Anyway. What's the point of going into this. [sighs] Jesus. Anyway. [sighs]. I just get the feeling that these people calling you, many of them, these Chinese people, many of them, looking for work from you, they don't like you. This particular woman today said that I, oh let me give you what I think the direct quotation was: "You need to be humble". In her slow halting voice. She was chinese. I told her I wasn't accepting her low pay offer per hour. She had read another ad I had uploaded the previous day where I talked about a low pay offer for a private student, not a language school that she was representing. So, it seemed to me at the time she didn't read my ad. I pointed this out to her. I admit though I was flustered. Last thing the bitch says to me before hanging the phone up was, "You need to be humble". Bitch. I couldn't take it. I texted her back to say something like, "You think I am not humble? You didn't read my ad. You're a foreigner-hater.". And, yeah, I think she is!! Some of these Chinese head-hunters are. They think we are all cocky-as-hell and arrogant westerners. My point, in response though, is that the bitch didn't read my ad. If she had read my ad, she would have realised that, hey, I was making a reduced pay offer for a private student, not a languuage school. Anyway, I don't know if she received my text message back as the number didn't seem to be a mobile phone number but what a bitch. And, I was so fucking nice to her on the phone. I could have called her a "foreigner-hater" on the phone (and, in hindsight, I should have) but I was nice and patient, admittedly somewhat flustered, explaining to her that she hadn't read my ad. And, then, she, prejudiced as stone, twice, before my lecture and then again after, as if none of it went into her skull, saying like a robot, "You need to be humble" before hanging up the phone without allowing me a response. Admittedly, had she let me had a response, I wouldn't have been kind to her. Yeah, I probably, in all probability, would have called her a foreigner-hater. Perhaps, she saw that coming and that's why she hung up. But, why call a spade anything other than a spade? As far as I'm concerned, that's what she is. A foreigner-hater, a kinda you know, a bigot!!. She doesn't listen to any viewpoint that doesn't fit into her own preconceptions of westerners. They have to be wrong under all circumstances and she had to be right. Bullshit.

Ah, so anyway, I had to get that off my chest on my low-quality msn spaces blog. I don't blog her much these days. Working, working, working. But, frankly, not making enough money. Have a big debt of a big fucking barrelload of money on my credit card. It'll take another job with better pay to pay it off. Perhaps, later this year. [sighs]. I'm tempted to spill the beans here about that but I won't. Bullshit.

Anyways, I am, at least, keeping my apartment reasonably tidy. Bought a better (hopefully) electric shaver today. I hope with this one it won't take an eternity to shave my facial hair every morning. But, I'm not confident. I grow pretty abundant facial hair I think. And, it's Chinese made and I don't think the Chinese grow their facial hair anywhere near as abundantly as Westerners do. [sighs]. I might have no choice later if this one doesn't work out but to buy a Philips one for just shy of 1000 RMB.

After March 15th, the government supplied heating in my apartment was switched off. And, it kinda got cold in my bedroom. Temperatures dipped to about 12 degrees celsius. So, I bought this kick-ass heater in a "Da Zhong Dian Qi" shop and, yeah, well, temperatures hit 22 degrees. Nice enough, I suppose. But, boy, it eats like hell into my electricity meter. Bugger. Every benefit comes with a kick up the ass.