Why should I put up with s**t?

I placed an ad on thebeijinger.  On it, my name is written.  And, yet, so so many times, I get e-mail replies from women who write things like, "Hi," or Hi there" and so on.  Why should I write back to such crap like that?  Clearly, they didn't read my ad.  They just scanned a whole host of ads on thebeijinger for msn addresses which they then add and then they are, like, looking for English language practice.  They didn't read my f**king ad and what my particular preferences are.

I slightly amended my ad again this evening to make it clear, number 1, that my name is, indeed, Paul Carr. (not paulcarr1974) as one wrote, taking my name automatically from the thebeijinger messaging system.  What's the point in trying to be interested in someone who isn't at all interested in you?

Anyway, awwww, the crap I put up with.  Paul, you dig yourself into these holes, my boy!!.  Stop flagellating yourself.

Tonight, I was tempted to write, "No Christians please" In fact, I did but, a minute later, I amended it.  I come from a God-fearing background.  My mother is very God-fearing.  My sister was inducted into a God-fearing cult as a teenager.  I'm affected too.  Fear!!! What an inhibiting and life-denying emotion!!.  The opposite of love!! of Love...  What a pointless emotion Fear is!!  This is one thing I like about China - by and large, they are free of Christiandom and other monotheistic religions.  Great.  But, I tell you, these Chinese "Christians".  Oh, my God!!.  You know, I have met a few on my date round this year and last year, let me tell you.  They deliberately try to be as bad as (some) Christians back in the West.  But, I doubt, they, with their Chinese background, in Communist China, have any idea of just how much fear Christianity, and the organised religion that goes with it, has put into the souls of ordinary Europeans and Americans as they have for centuries.  If they knew, perhaps, they would have second thoughts about their own acquaintance with Christianity.

I'm not naming names.  But, I believe a lot of them adopt Christianity and the language of Christianity as a substitute for their own repressed sexuality, something they like to rationalize away.  What they ought to be doing is m*************ing. 

[sighs].  I can't even be too serious on this blog service because, you know, msn spaces isn't a serious blog.  I found that out to my cost last year over on my europeanpaulcarr msn blog when it was deleted twice.

You know, I have said this to Chinese "Christians" already.  It's okay to like the West. Fair enough.  But don't worship the West.  Don't think that Christianity is superior to any thought system you have in place in China or, indeed, your own individual thoughts and conclusions.  Be proud of China, I say to them.  Be proud of your great country which put on a great Olympic Games and has now sent a man on a moonwalk in Earth's orbit. Go China!!

Paul Carr

I'm looking for my mummy...  What's wrong with that?  I'm far away in Asia, far away from my home country of Ireland.  I'm looking for my Asian Mummy.  To look after me....



Paul

You know with all this paranoia which I have written about in the past few posts, I get tired of it.  I hope it's not true.  But, I fear and believe that sometimes paranoia can and is indeed true.  I can tell you that fear and paranoia is so so tiring, disabling.

That reminds me of a film I saw recently.  K-Pax.  One of the characters there, perhaps, kinda reminds me of me.  It's Ernie in the film, played by the Actor, Saul Williams...

Here's a photo of him below with Prot, played by Kevin Spacey.




Ernie is, you know, completely afraid.  Initially, he's afraid to go outside the psychriatric institute because he fears the germs.  At night, he had difficulty sleeping.  He had to have his hands tied because, I guess, he fears that he may try to accidentally strangle himself.  It's terrible.  How inhibiting and disabling fear is.  Paul, don't live in fear.

Towards the end of the film, Ernie is miraculously cured.  His friend, Howie, goes over to him one night and tied a rope around his neck and strangles him.  Ernie is absolutely helpess and is powerless to resist, his front hands are tied after all the way he likes it when he's sleeping or trying to sleep.  As soon as Ernie loses consciousness, his friend, Howie, rushs him over to the hospital where Ernie is revived.

The next morning, Doctor Mark Powell talks to Ernie.  Ernie is so so happy.  He feels free and liberated.  Rather than be angry with Howie, he's grateful to him.  Howie's action makes him realise that life is indeed a lottery, that one should enjoy each day as if it's your last.  Be free as a bird.  Don't be so scared.  But, I guess, don't be reckless either.  After this event, Ernie wants to enjoy life to the full...  It's not confirmed in the film but it would appear that it was Prot who told Howie to do this as the second of his 3 tasks.  But, that's not clear.

**********************************

Maybe what I'm going through life now is a challenge.  I'm now living with a woman,first time in my adult life.  It isn't easy, at 34, to change the old habits of the lifetime, living by myself, and, unbeknownst to myself, living within a prison of fear, afraid to step outside of it.  Is that it?  Maybe, maybe.  I hope so.  So, in that case, it's a question of facing my fears, stepping outside my comfort zone, and doing something, engaging in behaviour I have never done before....

Paul Carr

I just re-read my previous post. More stuff to write.  Okay, I wrote one thing innaccurately.  I wrote that the woman staying in my apartment had contempt for her other 4 boyfriends (that she has had over the past 2 years).  That's not true.  She greatly respects one of them, a man of 49 years old.  A rich married man in the city she lived in previously.  She admires him.  She told me that he probably has many girlfriends.  When I first went to meet this young lady in her city, she told me that she visited him and he asked her to write text messages to his other girlfriends.(well, he seems to be honest then)  She told me that, when he was sick, perhaps he needed a hospital operation, or perhaps, it was to do with his wife who may have been needing a cancerous lump removed from her breast(s), many of his girlfriends rang him to wish him well and his wife well.

My point is: at this time, it simply didn't occur to me that he may be "tainted", what I mean is, that he may have HIV/AIDS or hepatitis or some other venereal disease.(*)  My Chinese friend is full of admiration for him and I guess the admiration rubbed off on me.  I went to her city a few months ago and first met her and she told me about him.  She told me about all her previous 4 boyfriends.  I admired her honesty in relating her story to me, her sexual history.  It's always interesting to hear that, I suppose.

But, afterwards, after we attempted sexual intercourse, after our vaginal fluids and semen were joined, then, after that, I had my doubts and the terror hit me like a tonne of bricks.  I mean, a week or so ago, I read about the rich businessmen in Uganda who are incubators and spreaders of HIV/AIDS in Africa and that country in particular.  They're rich, perhaps, to some extent, above the law and they're "sugardaddies" who have no problem finding young girls, many underage, to infect..  Is this ******* man, this man, this 49 year old man and possibly millionaire in *******,one of this kind?  If so, does he know he had the virus?  If he does, does he care?  Now, I'm not saying that the Chinese friend in my apartment, has got whatever he had, or may have, but it's a possibility. [sighs].  I hate to dwell on fear.  It's possible he passed on an infection such as HIV/AIDS to her and she, in turn, passed it on to me.

Hence, as said, it all hit me like a tonne of bricks.  I didn't wear a fucking condom.  I wrote about this before.  I was just thinking at the time, I don't want to get the girl pregnant. (**) I don't want "mini-Pauls", "mini-Mes".  She told me that she had just had her period and that it was okay to do it without a condom.  And, she told me something like, in her Chinglish, "Men say feel good up hole no condom good feeling".  Yeah, she is 20 something (***) [dick getting  slightly aroused now].  Had to get me some of that.  So it was spontaneous and, yeah, a little stupid.  But, it's not her fault.  If it's anyone's fault, it's mine.  So, yeah, I'm real concerned about this 49 year old businessman, a man, by the way, that my Chinese friend, in my apartment, has asked me already if I'd mind if she'd sleep with again (have straight-up sexual intercourse).  They've had sexual intercourse, I think, a few times already and, to the best of my knowledge, using no condom.  I said yes.

But, regarding our friendship.  The sex has gone but she's still my apartment mate and my friend and I still want to help her and that does my heart good.  I'm glad to have company and companionship.

Okay, next point.

I wrote previously about being "alone with my thoughts".  This is something I am good at.  You know I've been paranoid before.  I've been struck by fear before to the point where it demotivates me.  Just this year indeed.  Earlier this year, I didn't like the job a dentist did on my front teeth and the fact he wasn't entirely transparent with me.  He drilled off some of a perfectly good tooth, perfectly shaped and made it into an asymmetrical shape.  Gawd, I was horrified when I discovered this (he didn't tell me what he did) (by looking at previous photos) and, well, I couldn't get it restored to my satisfaction.  At the time, I couldn't have been arsed, for example,studying Chinese because I was so devastated.  I was demotivated.

But, what if, what if, sometimes, even just once, my paranoid turns out to be correct?  My present fears about HIV/AIDS for one or hepatitis.  Jesus.  I read somewhere that f**king 80 per cent of the Chinese people are exposed to Hepatitis and catch it at sometime in their lives... 80%  And somewhere else, I read there are only 130 million Chinese with Hepatitis B, like 10 per cent of the population, but that ain't 80% either.  Is it possible I'm just plain unfortunate?

Why is my present college letting me go?  My boss in my English department says that  it's because of a quarrel we had back in February.  I was unhappy with the schedule I was given for the semester. [sighs].  Is that it?  Or is it something else that they're not f**king telling me?  Is it to do with the health check I undertook along with the other teachers of the school and college back in April, I recall.  Something wrong there?  My boss says no, I think.  Because, he wasn't informed.  He's only informed if there is a problem with any of his teachers.  He got no information on me so it seems I'm okay.  So, ... so.... [sighs].  Or, maybe, they're (maybe my department boss has been cut out of the loop and the decision was made by my boss's boss without informing my immediate boss) thinking that, better not tell me, because I've got to finish out my contract, finish testing my students in my department.  I finish oral tests with them next Wednesday.  This is unethical if it's the case.  They have a responsibility to tell me. Yet, the woman in the Foreign Affairs Office, said to me that "it's my problem" if I don't go to her office to ask for her help before.  On the other hand, she told me that it was perfectly normal for the school not to continue to employ someone after a contract is up for the next year.  But, in my case, I had already written I wanted to stay another year for a miserly 500 rmb extra per month.  Maybe, I was asking for too much.

You know, to some extent, though, they are right!!.  If I were to see my test results before next Wednesday when I finally get the f**king tests out of the way, hurray!!  What a pain in the butt!!, and I were to discover I have HIV or Hepatitis, I'd probably be in such despair that I coudn't possibly function and continue my work even if it were just for one day of testing students in oral English. Each student for 4 minutes.  But over these 2 weeks, there are 250 or so of them!!  Tough!!.  So, my strategy is, frankly, to live in ignorance of this test result until next Wednesday  or Thursday.  Then, I get it.  After I get the pain in the ass of finishing off my contract out of the way,finishing off my work.  I like to finish my contract.  Anyway, is that the strategy that the leadership of my college/school have in mind.  Keep me in ignorance.  Mislead me? I hope not.  But, if not, what devastation!!!  And, they would be wrong to do that.  For a start, the Foreign Affairs Office has a responsibility to tell me *all* the results of the physical exam, including the blood tests, not to suppress or withhold any information.  I hope that has not happened. But, what a f**king contemptuous attitude to have, if that were the case.

[sighs].  It is painful, writing this.  Yeah, yesterday, I checked with another teacher in the school, a teacher, a black teacher who came to the school last year, did, indeed, have HIV probably and was dismissed, I guess during his probation  period.  Is that it?? Probation period?  I'm not going through a probabion period so they can't fire me?? Is that it?? [sighs].  It is so so tiring to be afraid all the time.  So so tiring.  Bastards....

I'm looking forward to this f**king work being finished...

Paul Carr

(*) Gawd, if I am diagnosed with HIV, what next?  No more sexual intercourse for the rest of my life? [sighs]. I'm tainted.  Like a vampire.  Forever tainted. Jesus.  [sighs].  Well, if it is the case, I will endeavour to be honest. Surely, there is a life after  HIV diagnosis.

(**) Also, I should point out at this time that she looks perfectly healthy.  She's slim like many Chinese young women are.

(***). With a Chinese doll appearance.  Like many Chinese young ladies.  She actually looks about 15.  Her face looks 15.  What a ****!!!  Phew!!!!.  She'd make a great escort...... for a sugardaddy... and others.

Well, I think many men have this sexual fantasy of the young sexual trollop, sexually adventurous, taking the sexual initiative, having a carefree attitude, loving to see their catch moan and groan, teaching him a sex, physical and health lesson [masturbating while writing this], loving turning an erudite educated man into an ape or helpless groaning baby, love playing the superheroine/dominatrix. (****)  And, I wrote about this on my blog at http://paulcarr.blogspot.com.  What's wrong with writing about that?  I think it's good to be honest.

(****)Nurse, mammy, milk mammy, you name it.

I guess I'm trying to say something in my previous post.

Am I getting my comeuppance?  I guess according to the strict precepts of Christianity, I have sinned.  I have had sexual relations with a married woman.  Furthermore, I went to visit her in her city.  After we met, she wanted to meet me in Beijing.  I could have told her that I wanted our friendship to be strictly platonic but  I didn't.  One could argue that I encouraged her to come to Beijing.  I'm not sure that's strictly true though.  She wanted out of her loveless marriage.(*)  When I went to her city to see her.... can't remember what I was going to write right now.  Just want to say this.  Okay, when I first went to her city to see her, I thought she was separated from her husband.  I thought she was living away from her husband in another house.(**)  In fact, I thought she was divorced!!  She wasn't.  I erroneously thought since she wrote in such contemptuous terms about her "boyfriends", especially the one who is her husband, that she wouldn't be bothered living with them.  I was wrong.  I discovered in her city when I met her that, indeed, she was still living with her husband.  And the reason... But, the poor woman can't afford to live alone.  She has a 5 year old daughter to look after.  So, she lives with her husband who she has no time for.  And, it gets worse, he hits her...somewhat regularly perhaps.  And that, my friends, got my blood boiling.

So, you see, I wanted to help her.  Give her a refuge here in Beijing.  But, only a few days ago, I learned she may be getting tired of her ..... in Beijing and, despite the fact, she is enrolled in a translation course here for which a rich "boyfriend" of sorts paid for, she may be aheading back to her original city.  At least, we're still friends. 

But, I'm scared about the HIV/Hepatitis thing, especially the HIV thing.  Or is it really that?  Is what you are going through, Paul, really a bereavement process of some sort.  You're leaving a college you worked as as a teacher for 2 years and you're letting go and moving on (to greater and better things?).  You're doing something, you're  not apt to do before, leaving your comfort zone and casting out for new horizons.  I think that's good.  Face your fears.  Go for change.

You thought you had that job under your belt for another year but your boss is thinking differently.  So, go with the flow, Paul.  Strike out on an adventure because life is an adventure.

Back to the woman I am staying with in my 2 bedroom apartment.  I wanted to help her.  I certainly didn't think of letting her stay in my apartment as "wife-stealing" or anything immoral, anything unChristian.  I've been critical of Christianity since I was a teenager, engaging in active debates with my sister on the subject of tolerance.  My sister back in those days in the 1980s joined the retreat movement (a Christian movement of sorts) and preached that those who weren't "born again" will be damned.  I had to object to that.  That means, does it, that those who don't follow your narrow precepts, are lost and damned.  This is frightening and life-denying.  Enjoying life is about tolerance and helping one another, not damning one another.

I wanted to help this woman/girl.  And, yes, maybe, I was lonely too.  I needed company, I needed companionship, I needed sex.  And, hence, my previous post, where I am kicking myself about what I did.  But, she didn't con me.  I'm responsible for this.  Paul Carr, you need to relax.  She says she likes me.  I'm happy about that.  I've just remembered something else I want to write about.  I don't want her to leave me.

I don't want her to go back to her city permanently again.  I'll be alone.  Alone with my thoughts, time cuts through you like a blade.  I think that line was said by the Morgan Freeman character in the "Shawshank Redemption"  Great movie.  Great acting.  What a actor he is.  And, that, being alone with my thoughts, that, boy, is something I excel at.  Being alone and being afraid and entertaining my worst fears and thoughts of despair.  Dwelling on the "if onlys"  If only I was pure, not infected with HIV/AIDS, if only the clock could be turned back to that pure and pristine time, of no grey hairs, of no receding hair, when I had a shot of being a respectable family guy, family guy leading man actor.  And, no HIV/AIDS.  Paul, you have been here time and time again.  "Alone with your thoughts and fears", rendered immobile with despair, unable to write, unmotivated to think about things that you care for passionately, such as the state of the world today.

Pull yourself together, Paul.  As that commenter said, that kind man said, "Be Strong".  Be strong, my friend.  You see, how I write this folks, I'm talking to myself in the third person.  You see how this blog gives me strength.  You see how this blog becomes my confidante, my best friend in a time of need.  I write passionately, I want to write passionately.  I don't want to "get my comeuppance"  I want to help people.  God, I want to help people.

And, yet, only HE can give the final verdict.

And, now, I am getting scared.  What is God?  A man, a woman?  I think maybe a mathematical formula to which everything that matters derives back.  My future is determined by timeless fate...

Don't be scared, Paul.  Relax, breath easily and enjoy life!!  Because life is there waiting for you to enjoy it.  Don't kick yourself in the ass.  You are in the hands of fate.  You will never know the manner you will die.  You will never know how the future will pan out.  You will never know how you are going to die, how diseases and what diseases are going to strike you.  Relax.  Take it in your stride.  And, yes, Paul, be honest!!.  And, this woman/this girl, who stays with me in my apartment, I think, I  believe, she is honest.  Is my hunch wrong?  And, if it is wrong, that must be due to my own failing and not hers.

Join the community of humanity Paul.  Help others and they will gladly help you. (***)

Love makes the world go round, not vengence, not hate.  The problem when you were a child was that there wasn't much communication in your family.  And, in that void of a failure of family members to communicate with one another, a reductionist view of religion took hold, of a vengeful God, a spiteful God, who will smite you if you transgress or if you sin against him.

But, let me say this.  Okay, as I understand it, I have committed adultery by letting this woman, who was living with her husband, stay with me in my apartment.  But, tell me, how is that any worse than if she was living in a separate apartment, and already separated from her husband, her abusive husband I add...  He was hitting her, beating her down, she hated his guts.  Hell, I think it's in *his* interest that they're apart.

People become brutalized when *they hit*, as much as when *they are hit*.  This, to me, is common sense.

But, you know, I look at the narrative of my life, at any rate, the narrative I like to think I have (or want to have), and I'm thinking, you know, it's all about progress, progress, progress.  Any room for setbacks?  Any room for HIV/AIDS?  Any room for anything despairing like that.  Paul, maybe, just maybe, you should brace yourself for some hits.  That's life.

Paul Carr

(*) She's been living with me for a month or so now and she's still not sure if she's going to get a divorce.  Maybe, it's too expensive for her.

(**) I guess I have this thing for married women, for divorced women, or women estranged from their husbands.  Maybe, I think, erroneously, that they have more experience at sex.  Nothing can be further from the truth, I'm now thinking about that in  reflection.  These unhappily married women, divorced women, are often sexually repressed.  They're in loveless marriages with their husbands.  Initially, there's sex but it dies out after some time, often turning sinisterly to violence (one Japanese women told me her husband was violent to her in bed trying to force himself upon her as if this is a way for a husband to show affection to his wife (perhaps, he thinks she is his property?)

I think many of these women have mental blocks about sex which makes them difficult sexual partners, not willing to open up their minds to fantasy roleplays, costumes and other frivolous naughtiness or perhaps some hardcore stuff and play...  But, at first sight, one might think they are experienced.  Not so, not so at all.  Bitter in sex, yes, experienced, not so much.

(***) Don't fall back on hate.  Don't accuse others for things you are solely yourself responsible for, Paul.  Seize your fate, Paul.  And,  in the words of one woman I chatted with recently, enjoy each day as if it were your last.

I've finally decided to write on this matter. I've written on it before. The last time I wrote about it, maybe 18 months ago?, my sister rang me and told me to remove her name. I obliged. But, I also told her I didn't want to talk to her again.

You know I don't want to go through life with latent anger over this or that, or anger with my deceased dad. My Dad had many good qualities. Unfortunately, when it came to domestic violence, he had a terrible quality. But, I think I should into the future come to forgive him for it.

I am now sharing my 2 bedroom apartment with a woman. Ordinarily, she stays in the second bedroom. And, she told me that her husband hits her and that she hates him. She tells me that he's lazy making only 600 rmb per month in ********* as a security guard. She has a child.

I don't know what I was thinking. I decided to take her into my apartment. She wanted out of her life in ********* and wants to make a fresh start in Beijing. Her child is being looked after by her husband's sister with whom she has a good relationship. Every 10 days or so, she goes back to ********* to meet briefly with her child.

I don't know if I'm helping her. She has a place to stay and I pay the rent. She's awfully busy at the minute, doing an English language translation course at the weekend and working split shifts most of the time she is not doing that at a local foreign restaurant. Her child is a 5 year old daughter.

I guess she's very pretty. But, now, and it's about a month since I let her into my apartment, I'm asking myself why did I do this? I guess, first and foremost, there was the issue of domestic violence. Her dumb husband used to hit her. Indeed, just 2 days before she moved into my apartment on a more permanent basis, her husband hit her. And, that, my friends, makes my blood boil.

How thick can one get? And his behaviour reminded me of my father's stupidity on this matter. He hit me. He hit my mother. I used to hear my mother's screams whilst I was in my bedroom as my father screamed at her to "shut up" and hit her, persumably because my mother was "bitching" about telling my Dad to get a job. He was on sickness benefit because he got suddenly ill (after an operation) after 1981 I think until his death in 1991. Maybe, it was both their fault. Maybe, they were both behaving stupidly. [sighs]. But, anyway, my dad hit my sister. My sister told me this. And, it was because I wrote about this before, about what my sister told me, she's 3 years older than me, that she rang me and asked me to remove her name from the entry and I duly did. My brother, I don't know. My younger brother, 15 months younger than me, I don't know. But, I reckon my Dad even hit him. Because I'm thinking, hitting people like that is a mental illness!!.

And,this young woman who has moved into my apartment in Beijing (@) also told me the same thing. It's a mental illness. My Dad erroneously thought and resolutely and sincerely believed until the day he died unfortunately that he had a right to hit his family members because he owned each and every one of us, his two sons, his daughter and his wife. What a neanderthal!!.

You know one reason I keep this blog is that it enables me to peer into my past and confront the sources of my anger. I should confront these sources and seek to mend them and by mending them I can come to forgive finally and resolutely those who have spouted those sources of resentment in the first place. Blogging can be a very powerful thing, a powerful weapon, a powerful means of liberation. I intend to wield it as such.

[sighs]. And, yes, I'd like to forgive my Dad whilst at the same time resolutely and unequivocably condemning all his acts of violence AND the flawed philosophy he leaned on to justify his acts of violence.

My Dad wasn't the best of communicators. I don't think communication was a good thing in our family. I certainly wasn't a good communicator at the time. Communication between family members was gruff, somewhat sulky. Of course, material circumstances didn't help. Our family's finances were difficult throughout the 1980s, (@@) after my Dad left his job, had an operation to remove a kidney, I understand in 1981, an emergency operation from which he apparently didn't fully recover. Although, my mother, who was a nurse, apparently thought he had recovered enough to get some sort of office job at any rate. And, in fairness to my Dad, he did try to get some work from time to time, including boring pedestrian office work. But, much of the time, between 1981 and 1991, he was out playing golf. He died in 1991.

And, I guess this is also the well spring of my politics. I'm left-of-centre in my politics. Kinda a rarity in the Republic of Ireland where I come from. Our famliy had difficult financial circumstances forced upon us in the 1980s. They weren't easy times for many families in the Republic of Ireland.(@@@) Unemployment was nearly 300,000 which was huge for a country of only 3.6 million or so at the time. Our family wasn't the only one who suffered. And the politicians from the two right wing political parties, Fine Gael and Fianna Fail (@@@@), who were in power, didn't seem to be doing much about it. Champagne politicians so-to-speak. Like Garret Fitzgerald, the leader of Fine Gael from 1982 to 1987 and Taoiseach of the Country during that time and Charlies Haughey, leader of Fianna Fail and leader (Taoiseach) of the country from 1987 to 1991. They were comfortable and middle class (@@@@@) and didn't know much about our hardships. Unfortunately, these two poltical parties, Fianna Fail and Fine Gael continue to dominate the political landscape today in the Republic of Ireland.

Labour, in theory a left-wing party, remains only the third largest. [sighs]. I'd like to see more government intervention to create more jobs, and a job that may have given my father more dignity and direction in the 1980s when he needed one, a long term reliable job.

But, I digress. Back to the issue of domestic violence. I want to also talk about another source of annoyance sometimes. My Aunt, my father's sister, his big sister, once went with us for a dinner I think a few months after my father died in November 1991. She told us that [gasp] my father "never lifted a finger against anyone". He would never hurt a bee or something like that. Oh, Aunty, you remember that wide-eyed doe-eyed cute and sweet little brother who you used to cuddle and play soft games with back in the 1930s and 1940s. Wonderful!. But, please don't be telling me about how I should remember my Dad or please don't tell me that a spade is a shovel or that right is wrong or wrong is right. I remember my Dad was violent to me and my mother. That wasn't a figment of my imagination. Yeah, Dad, had, in the words of my Chinese flatmate, a "mental illness" without a shadow of doubt where he thought it was a-okay to hit and beat and humiliate and treat like a piece of shit his family members.

So, temper is something I take very seriously and I hate to lose it myself. But, sometimes, I do. As I told a friend a few days ago, I should translate that anger, that temper into something positive, I should learn to harness it, constrict it and transform it into something positive, something creative. I must learn to be inspired. Inspiration is something you don't necessarily learn. It is something you create from the well spring of your imagination. I need to be inspired. Hence, I shouldn't call my blog paulcarrangermanagement.blogspot.com but rather I think I need to be free as a bird and lift off and take off and be happy. And, that is exactly is what I intend to do.

Nobody knows when they are going to die. It's time for me to face my fears and realise this. Life is a lottery. You can't control your fate. So, enjoy life and, as one person told me recently, live each day as if it is your last. HeHe. That was the woman who I wrote previously was annoying me.

Paul Carr

************ I have removed the city. I don't want to identify this lady. I'll just say she's very nice. And, I am impressed with her honesty with me.

(@) Perhaps, irrelevant information, but she's Chinese. I hope we can do a language exchange. She teach me Chinese and I teach her more English. Her English is at an intermediate level now. Quite good. I wish her all the best with the translation course she is doing but it's going to be a steep climb this year for her...

(@@) In contrast to the 1970s, when our finances were quite good and we had a large house. I have vague memories of it.

(@@@) And, it would be remiss of me not to point out that domestic violence was (and maybe still is) quite extensive in the Republic of Ireland. I recall the Republic of Ireland cited by Amnesty International on this issue back in the early 1990s. So, is there a culture of domestic violence. No doubt!! Certainly there was. In our schools, in the Republic of Ireland, we are taught about the heroism of people like Patrick Pearse who believed in blood sacrifice and who was the mastermind of the 1916 Easter uprising against British rule. A man who would only be photographed on one side apparently because he had a scar on the other side of his face. Really? Or perhaps it was just to add to his mystique. "Manly" sports like Gaelic football were promoted from the 1880s. But, the Republic of Ireland aren't too hot on more "feminine" sports such as gymnastics... Masculinity as well as religiosity (specifically Catholicism) were promoted in the Irish Free State after 1922 and the Republic of Ireland after 1937. Women were to be confined to the home as even outlined in our constitution in 1937. Read it, if you don't believe me. Of course when you have these state-sanctions laws and directives, it doesn't take a rocket-scientist to conclude that some men, including my father, will take the next step and conclude logically that they are the rightful owners of their wives and children.

(@@@@) Fianna Fail and Fine Gael are right wing political parties. Fianna Fail dates back to 1927 and Fine Gael to 1933 I think, arising out of the ashed of Cumann Na Gael. I'll have to check that spelling . That was the ruling political party in the Irish Free State in the 1920s. They were not divided on social issues, on issues of left and right like in many European democratic countries but rather on whether one supported the Treaty of 1922 or not, the Treaty that established the Irish Free State. Fianna Fail comprised those who opposed it. Fine Gael those who supported it. And even today, the Republic of Ireland, a politically stable state, on the edge of north western Europe, has these two political parties as the two largest. Labour, the, in theory socialist party, has historically, been a distant third. And, its strength confined mostly to Dublin, not rural Donegal, the backwater, I grew up in. Kinda like Steven Colbert's South Carolina. Yeah, the more I think about it, the worse it gets.

(@@@@@) Charlie Haughey's sexual escapades with Terry Keane in the Wicklow mountains come to mind. Yeah, here's a man who really cares about the hardships of ordinary people. Charlie Haughey passed away I think last year

I've got more to write about that annoying woman I wrote about previously. Oh, I can't get her scratch off me no matter how much I scratch. Okay, let me say this. She said to me, "You always complain." Bullshit. I don't always complain. I only complain when I have cause to complain. I guess I'm still going over the what-if scenarios. What if I had done this instead of that maybe we could still be friends or more. But, anyway, never mind. I've been stung my cruel women before.

Paul Carr

I decided to set up yet another new blog.  Because the first blog had a profile from another blog, a sexy blog I have.  So, I set up a new blogger account and set up a new blog.  It's here.  Thanks for visiting.

http://paulcarrmystory.blogspot.com

Paul Carr